The Ghost Inside

Some people are willing to go all the way for their dreams....

Why Mr. Anderson Why? Because its two against one

In the last 5 years I have run into childhood schoolmates, acquaintances, frenemies, and friends. And at the type I chuckled at the conversations and patted myself on the back after all we all know ourselves better than everyone else right? Wrong.

5 Years ago I ran into "beloved Luddite" number one, who has no social profile to date on any social network, we attended the same Junior High School. After the initial excitement of "It has been so long" there was an awkward pause I didn't put to much stock in it after it had been years and then "beloved Luddite" "so I know you aren't the type to hype yourself up but can you tell me the names of the book you have written."

I laughed and spent the next 10 minutes assuring my "beloved Luddite" that in fact I was not a published author under an assumed name. The look of disbelief remained even as we parted.

A year later same thing with "frenemy." Who had the grace to add I had "aged well" grrrrrrr

Then there was "We grew up on the same street and they moved when they were teenagers and they were visiting the old neighborhood friend" same conversation.

Then "Facebook Friend who moved half way across the world whom I hadnt seen High School" this conversation was a "chat" but it was the same all of the above.

I remember growing up being a bookish idealistic people loving save the planet type. So how did this happen?

Enter Jack White: Two against one, people could see what I could not. But why, couldn't I see it, what kept me in hiding. Why was it so obvious to others and yet as clear as foggy mountain top to me?

I think that I always knew and in the battle between what is acceptable in society and our passions a clash has to erupt. The battle has to take place for the truth to come out of hiding.

I can't get no satisfaction

So I wrote a chapter, I thought it was some serious awesome sauce like great stuff. I was happy with it, so happy I knew it was time to take a break and work on other projects. Took the next day off, went back to re-read the chapter WTF? Did a zombie come in and re-write the chapter, was it the 4th espresso? Did someone slip me writing roofies?

It is easy to become enamored, enraged and ultimately make peace with our work.

But I wont lie, I do want some satisfaction

Hello It's Me John Legend

Maybe I shouldn't think of you as much.

Sometimes I have a scene from a novel that replays in my brain over and over again. Aggravating yes/no I don't know. Sometimes the scene is trying to give me a message like fix me $itch or maybe we can do better or maybe this doesn't work.

Maybe I shouldn't think of you as much.

But when writing is in your blood good luck. The scenes the ideas are always there in the middle of the night, lucid dreaming becomes the norm. Having a cup of coffee better be ready to reheat it at minimum 4 times while you get lost in a thought that as surfaced and refuses to lay still

Hello It's Me...

Don't change.....

First day of Autumn

It is the first day of autumn, and maybe in the heady anticipation I ordered my pumpkin spiced latte last week (don't judge me).

I love the Fall, the trees go technicolor and show off their jewel like colors the air smells crisp and clean. I put on a comfy sweater and read a book. Well in the past I wanted to curl up with a good book. Now I curl up with my computer and type away as scenes take shape and flow to become a story.

Letting go and really letting the story tell itself, even when I am unsure and I think I have gone to far but ultimately knowing the story will tell itself without me cock-blocking.

So yes I am looking forward to fall, good riddance summer, I will definitely not miss you and when I do I am only a plane ride away to the Caribbean :)

Yes

The answer is Yes.

When people tell you to give up because they are scared of your potential do you hold on to your dreams? Yes

When you receive criticism or rejection do you take a moment sit in silence to reflect on what you can learn for future success? Yes

When someone breaks your heart and you want to curl up in the fetal position, do you realize that the other person just lost out on the best thing that happened to their life? Yes

Life will always give you an opportunity to say yes.

Dejate Amar La India Let me love you

Desire, longing, the desire and longing to love someone who does not want to be loved by you.

Pushing aside ones pride, because love removes those systems of self preservations that keep us safe. Love us allows us to take that leap and proclaim without fear I am hear and will be hear for you. But that doesnt mean whom we love will return what we feel.

Are we over-flowing pitchers? Do we pour our love even hands cover the glass we are trying to pour ourselves into? Or is it that we are trying to pour ourselves into the wrong vessel?

"Trouble Sleeping" Corinne Bailey Rae

I have always had trouble sleeping, I think like Corinne it is because I am always in love. I am in love with the way strangers can stop in their tracks and take the time to help each other. I fall in love when I hear someone listening to their headset on the metro and they are oblivious to everything but the joy of the music they are experiencing. I can recall all these little random episodes as I get ready to go to bed and I tell myself to capture the details of two sets of hand that cling and tighten  as two long lost friends reconnect.

Yes I have trouble sleeping, all these thoughts they float like feathers tickling my brain living these impressions and I wonder who else has trouble sleeping?

Dreams- Fleetwood Mac

Players only love you when they are playing-Fleetwood Mac "Dreams"

The signs are there, the feeling the other person is not "listening" does not "hear" but you stay because you rationalize all relationship are the same.

But when you feel unfulfilled, do you try harder to become more lovable? Do you work harder on the relationship. Do you count your chips and pull out the game even though you are in the whole and your heart is in debt?

Put down the remote control ready to play the latest rom/com and step away from the ice-cream and chocolate.

Stand up and look in the mirror. Yes that is you, only you and somewhere someone wonderful is searching for you.  Some people call the search a dream.  Imagine life without hope or dreams.

Lets Go Outside

When I think about writing I often think about music, ok just about everything makes me think about books and music. Now that I have started writing I realize that staring at a screen waiting for inspiration. Waiting for words, trying to fix a scene, a line a paragraph can be a hopeless endeavor and sometimes I just need to go outside.

When I leave the computer screen behind I am confronted by people billions of them with all their beautiful weirdness, beliefs, masks, thought and charm. And that is when I whip out my phone to snap a picture to capture a moment or a tap out a note on my phone that magically fixes the writing "problem" which was never a problem.

I have fallen in love with my stories, my characters are like old friends who whisper their experience and all I do is try to capture the magic.  Am I capturing the magic? I don't know, I do know I will be vocally judged by those when my  book is published.

Being published is a double edge sword, on the one hand you expose your creation and on the other hand you are happy to share the creation when the reviews are positive.

So it is time for me to go outside....

Where does desire go?

Does it die? Does it go to hibernate? Is it transferred into another state from solid to liquid to gas. Is it reborn when, it dies? Does the loss of desire leave a scar on emotional health?

Life is a test

But in life you won't get an A or an F.

Here is how life will grade you: Feedback some of your actions will have great results some will not. As you continue down this path called: "Your Super Awesome Delicious Life" you will decide when you are doing great or not so great.

If you are lucky unhelpful people will also be on hand to give you unsolicited advice.

When you start following your creative passions life will throw just about every challenge and test your way and 99% of the times it will feel like you aren't making traction or progress. But each part of the test is progress including the setbacks.

Now here is where I am going to throw you a curve ball even though keeping score if you don't get the results you want its time to change strategies or start taking a new test.

Balance the constant struggle

Swinging from one extreme to another is easy i.e.: a furious burst of writing then the dreaded writers block. The compulsive editing until you start to lose sight of the original intent of your book.

Balance, when we were children we hopped on a see-saw opposite our friends and somehow we found a way to balance the boards even though we were different sizes and weight.

Here we are adults, life is more difficult everything is competing for our attention. We are competing for our own attention and the board swings up or down. Seeking balance.  Seeking more than balance. Seeking peace, seeking a rest from the internal struggle brought upon by the external chaotic world.

We react to the external and the saw tips up or down.

What is the cure for finding balance? The cure for balance is quite simple: all things in moderation including moderation.

Her Town Too

I was born when great singers were passing the torch to less great singers which brings me to the song I have been listening today an odd song indeed since it does not reflect a situation I have gone through and yet when I hear James Taylor sing "Her Town, Too" I feel the sense of longing of wanting to stay in a marriage even though everyone knows its broken.

I hear the lyrics and I understand that divorce is not an act between two people but a pebble flung into a pond that ripples out touching those who know the soon to be divorced. The battle lines are drawn, sides are chosen, hero and villain are cast and each side has a story.

For those who have never heard the song here is a great version thanks to youtube

James Taylor's Her Town Too

Yeah, it used to be her town too...but I always felt it used to be his town too.....because they both lost something.....

I am not a snob

I am sitting on the bus, making the weekend run between NYC and DC.

Fun times squeezed into a metal tube with strangers their various food choices, questionable choices for perfumes and colognes. Note to all: Rosewater and Peppermint musk do not mix on public transportation especially when the front of the bus is busting out curried chicken and the back of the bus is wrist deep Chinese take out.

Now dear reader you are probably thinking I am grumpy with all I have just said, in all honesty I cherish the ability to sit on the bus for 4+ uninterrupted hours and just write.

Yup no distractions, I plug in pretend to listen to music and I can write. The 4 hours always seem to go by way to fast and sometimes I wish I could just ride the bus all day long I could probably write about 2 novels per week if I was on public transportation non-stop.

But back to the title of today's post I am not a snob, lately I have noticed a visceral reaction to physical books.   I see a book and the un-wanted  part of my judgemental brain wakes up and screams "tree killers" at everyone reading a physical book.

How did this happen? I walk into any library and I imagine the devout feel the same when they walk into their house of worship.

Books are magical, dangerous, alluring, and to be treated with the utmost respect. Books are not just paper, glue and ink. Book are sacred treasures, they are priceless. Book are wonderous and yet the part of me who has purchased reasoning that I need to diet and I can wait until the next paycheck to buy food now finds myself looking askance at people with books.

I am editing my first novel. Sharing my novel with the world is something that will bring me great pleasure. And yet now, my heart feels differently I want my novels to be read I want my stories to be shared. But the thought of a dog-eared copy of my novel makes me feel sad and nostalgic for an era that has ended and does not know that time has passed it by like an actor who continues to believe they are popular long past when they can no longer get work.

Being creative is a great gift and responsabilty

I believe everyone is creative, for some people being creative is something alien or unwanted. Reality is black/white and anything else is unwelcome.

Books have the power to heal, reveal, enlighten, bring joy, chill, thrills, they can make us laugh, cry  they can make us take a stand seek information.

For those who write, your passion will be your subject(s)  keep writing, because someone somewhere wants to read your story.

Is writing a compulsion?

When I was younger I remember looking at people and knowing their story. Depending on the story on the story I was either popular i.e. he is into you or or that dude is running a scam not one of my more popular moments. Was being right about people get me into less trouble? No, as a matter of fact, it I landed into more trouble because people believed I was snooping.

For the most part people it was hard to believe that because I was quiet and I paid attention and people for the most part are arrogant it was the perfect combination for me to learn more about human nature in all of its intricacies.

I find all of this usual as my stories grow, I once believed that authors wrote, I now see that the characters in stories have something to share and we are are the vessels they choose to share their 'truth' with. 

I feel like writing is the one thing that is real the rest is how we interpret the world in order to better sleep at night.

Amazon Kindle Fire sells out ahead of new Kindle Fire Launch

I love my Kindle it is the first thing that I move from purse to purse (yes the wallet has been left behind) and it travels with me everywhere. I was not surprised to hear that the Kindle Fire was a huge success, not only was it an e-reader but it also was a tablet and with the price tag it was truly a "buy" for those:

1. love to read
2. have to many books
3. can never decide which book we should read next

Back in the days of yore, this time of the year meant back to school now this is the time of the blockbuster releases. I am honestly excited to see next generation of the Kindle Fire and will put it on my holiday shopping list. http://www.wcnc.com/news/consumer/Amazon-Kindle-Fire-sold-out-as-new-model-expected--168308556.html

Hello it's Me

The first blog post, it sets the mood for all up coming post, it gives the reader an idea of what to expect with daily updates. With a title like Infinite Lilac Thursday you are probably thinking this could be going somewhere, nowhere or anywhere -- only time, you and I will tell.

For now let me introduce myself, I am here to share a little slice of creative brain with you reader and if you like what you read come back tomorrow and the day after. If you really like what you read, leave a comment and tell me how fabulous I am, because if I am fabulous so are you.

I hope you enjoy reading my updates and when I release my book if you are interested you purchase it. For the time being I will update on the editing process or as I like to call it: "I enjoyed writing I am not so sure about this part."

I have to be honest I feel alive and happy for the first time I am exploring my creative side and now that I have let this Sexy, Gorgeous, Wild, Brilliant Beautiful Goddess out to play and I am letting her have free reign. So join me as I embark on this new adventure.