2012 in review: the end to a new beginning.

2012 like a candle with only the last bit of a wick is slowly about to be extinguished. I will always remember 2012 because this was the year that I let go of fear and started to put pen to paper words on screen.

Over the years I have lost track of the number of friends, acquaintances and random people who have asked me if I was an author and if so the title of my book.

I remember that I used to chuckle internally and think to myself "silly people authors are great people with amazing imagination not someone like plain old me"

Funny how we lie to ourselves and say "I am not good enough" or "Maybe someday" or "I will try." It takes courage to embraces ourselves warts and all especially when we are surrounded by critics.

Mentally I've been spinning and weaving my stories for so long I always assumed that most people entertained themselves the same way. 

So the next steps are the hardest proofing, editing, and editing. Yes I know I said editing twice it was intentional, I want my stories read good stories need a lot of editing if they are going to be read and appreciated.


I want to entertain others the way I can entertain myself, my goal is to publish in mid-2013 and if I am very lucky I will have entertained a few folks with a good yarn.

To all have a healthy, safe, prosperous New Year.

See you on the other side.

10 occupational hazards of writing

Occupational hazards of being a writer:

1. Neighbors and friends think you are a recluse.
2. People question your sanity.
3. People ask if they can be in your book.
4. Same people ask that they not be in your book.
5. People want to read it before it is finished.
6. People question your honesty at every turn as if fiction can over come the reality and truth.
7. People complain bitterly that you wont entertain them.
8. People complain bitterly that you entertain them and its not fair that they can't "compete."
9. People claim that it is "easy" for you to be creative.
10. Secretly sometimes you do prefer your characters to the people around you.

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I would also like to pose a question:

When was the first time you fell in love? Did it last?

Banned books my first love

I fall in love with love all the time yes me the happy disbelieving cynic is a closet romantic. The first time I fell in love I was 4, the objection of my -undying- affection was 12 his name was Robert he was tall dark and handsome. OK he was taller than me  and he was dark the handsome part debatable.

I remember the first time I saw him, I was walking home with my mom and little toddler eyes fell on him and my little heart went pitter patter.  I stopped walking turned to my mom and said: "Mom I am going to marry that boy", pointing at Robert who was walking with his dad. My mother was glad I had decided to marry a boy as I had already told her that I didn't want to have babies I wanted to have a monkey instead (a story for another day.)

My mom being the sweet supportive woman replied: "I am so glad you like Robert, when you are older you can tell him." Like him? no mom I am in LOVE WITH HIM. My mom knows me so she says of course honey you are in love with him, but I could here the note of humor in her voice and I was miffed. Apparently the old lady thought that --> I at the ripe old age of 4 could not love. Well I would show her. I was going to study love. And I knew exactly what to do and where to go: books were the answer.

Growing up my mom had stacks of romance novels all over the house, I learned how to read Spanish much to the -joy- horror of my poor mother.   Determined to show my mom and Robert of course I would sit in the living room sounding out words and learning the language. One day I got to a big word, knowing that my mom always said if you cant read it after trying ask for help, I walked over to her in the kitchen where she was cooking. Hey mom what is this word?

My mom looked down, she saw the cover and she looked at me the way you look at a potential suicide threat on the ledge. "Honey you know how to read in English, that book is in Spanish," her words were light but I could see the tension in her eyes.

"I can read in Spanish, listen, my voice falter as I sounded out words: he stroked her stomach up his hand heading lower to her-" the book was snatched faster out of my hand than that one time I played with a zippo lighter. In retrospect the zippo lighter was less hot than the book. After that incident my mothers book collection went from stacks on coffee table, on chairs, on top of the TV to hidden like illegal contraband.

Did I learn about love that day? No, but I learned that I could read Spanish and scare my mom talk about a total win. But I digress, my point is that when ever I have wanted to learn something I have turned to books, even when a teacher would ask if I needed extra help I would ask if they could recommend a book.

My favorite books have all taught me something: a joke, a new song, poem, word etc. I believe all great books are like that we all walk away learning something. As I work on my novel, I have a certain character that is learning, but I find that I am learning right along with him.

The super awesome books on the other hand scare our parents, so in that honor go out and pick up a banned book.

Jack and Jill wrecked my story time

Ahhh the old neighborhood taught me my love for libraries and where I would get into trouble with my first story time.

We had just moved and the library was less than a block away, imagine my mothers delight at story time. Off we went the librarian was maybe 16 but hey I was 4 which meant she was ANCIENT.

Let us call our intrepid librarian Mary, poor Mary started off with Jack and Jill. Mary should have gone with another story the second she laid eyes on my eager face.

The End. Mary smiled, I frowned, I was 4 but I wasn't stupid. My hand shot up, Mary didn't see it coming and was expecting praise instead this is what she got: "Why did they go up the hill, who puts a well on a hill?" If Jill saw him fall why would she try to go down as well, why did Jill want to fall?

Mary looked at my mom, my mom looked at Mary then at me, she nodded she turned to Mary with a smile and said: "Oh that one is Lisbeth" and my mom went back to watching my other sisters. Wendy the second of us four sensed a revolution afoot. "Do we burn the books? she asked me coming out of a sleep stupor.  My mother shushed her no book burning my mom said automatically in response to any Wendy suggestion, OK gonna check for the door so we can get out fast.

By this point Mary realized that story time was wrecked. In Mary's defense it wasn't her fault which brings us in a very round about way to the moral point of this post.

Great books have great characters which are MOTIVATED by something, anything whether it is finding an albino frog, winning first place for genetically modified pumoranges (half pumpkin half orange) or wanting some ice water.

We all want something every single person, next time a person tell you "I don't want a thing" they are lying they want a trillion more things than you, even Tibetan monks want more enlightenment.

So it is OK make your characters needy, my characters are mature but have as many needs as unsupervised 2 year old with a sugar rush.

Giving Thanks

It has been a rough week for me, no tragedies or miss-fortunes (knock on wood) it has been rough because I feel held hostage by my 9-5 paycheck. I enjoy everything about my job except the 10% of when I have to interface with office colleagues. I say interface because the systems in place recycled robotically.

I won't be going home for Thanksgiving :( to expen$ive but I have so much to be thankful for this year.

1. My family is healthy
2. My family has grown
3. My family has learned wonderful things this past year
4. I have kept my commitment to personal development
5. I feel more at peace because of what I have discovered about myself
6. I have been a positive influence for many

I hope that this year as you gather with family or friends you take a moment before you start to feast to give thanks for all that we have been given in this past year. Also take a moment and ask yourself: How can I help people around me?

Happy, Healthy and Safe Thanksgiving to all!

Dedication and passion

Dedication and passion equal success. Success is subjective, my idea of success and what society states is a successful person can differ greatly at times.

I would rather be successful at being happy than successful at being number 1 at work. I don't think any tombstone proudly proclaims "S/he was number one at work."

Being happy takes dedication, to often you will hear that you should  or could be doing something different than what you are passionate about. The trick is to keep the faith, not because of the accolades or recognition but because to live a great life means being true to oneself. Dedicating your life to your personal happiness isn't selfish, by making yourself happy you infect other around you with joy and happiness.

Want to make an impact on the world? Do you want to stand out? Dedicate each day to being happy and following your passions.

What makes you happy?

It is complicated

Unlike in real life, in stories we love characters who are complicated. We remember the characters that behave in ways that leave us with crossed eyes and mentally hurling profanity.

Our hero and heroines are complicated they are determined to do the right thing even when it isn't the best thing.  Our villains are determined to go the extra mile even when they have zero motivation and those are the villains that truly frighten us. With no motivation we wonder how can someone with no logical impetus be so evil, it is complicated.

I have finished one book and I am working on my second novel, each story features characters that are complicated. At each opportunity they pick a road that will lead them to what they think is happiness or an easy out but each only leads to further complications.

I think about the novels that have stuck with me over the years, they all had characters that were complicated. My arche-type of complicated is Lennie Smalls from John Steinbeck's: "Of Mice and Men" Lennie Small dreams of a life where he gets to pet soft rabbits.  Lennie's choices and his collision course with destiny are all wrapped around a seemingly innocent desire the desire to tend rabbits.

Many moons have waxed and waned since my school years required reading Of Mice and Men, but the emotional struggles that complicated invoke in us never go away.

I recently finished a book that left me in a torment of emotions, I was conflicted on every level, I read the last line of the book and I thought to myself this character is not real but all of these emotions are real. I hope that some day I can create an experience for those reading my work that touches and moves them to great heights and low depths.

Stress, writing and reading

Stress can be good or bad. Stress can help you meet and achieve goals. Stress can kill you, I am not trying to be melodramatic enough research has proven that to much stress can be harmful to individuals.

My blog is where I like to keep myself honest on my journey to becoming a published author.  Stress is something that 99.999999999999999999% of Americans are feeling at this moment. 

Having a 9-5 job where you feel unappreciated, overworked and which makes you question your professional goals is stress + mental beatings.

When I write I feel free, unfettered by all the social mores that dictate my life hour by hour. When I write I create. I view the creative process a divine gift, the ability to uplift and entertain people are a narcotic fix for me.

Today is one of those days when I feel like the world has beaten me down.  I feel no shame in crying "uncle" but will keep the white flag in the box where it belongs. Life is not easy, the journey through life takes many twists and turns. My ultimate goal is to be a full time writer, until that day, I will continue to work on balancing the demands of the day to day chaos and all it brings and my love of creating stories.

When I was very young I remember that even when I had a bad day, I knew that I could relieve some stress within the covers of a good book. And not only would I relieve my stress but have the added bonus of learning something.

I am thankful that I learned a stress coping technique that was not beneficial for my health. I hope that as I continue to write someday someone will pick up my book and find stress relief from the daily existence called life.

What to do when characters go rogue

My character has gone rogue, the character seemingly polite, dutiful and helpful has gone balls to the wall bat _hit insane. How did this happen? We all knew our parts, the story was moving and then it happened a hostile take over by a minor character who wants their day in the sun. Oh he is shining so bright at the moment that my other poor characters have set up a timer for him to go super nova.

I feel bad for abandoning my story at this moment, I need to get back in there and save my characters. Here is the thing if I put fingers to keyboard it is over, this character has taken a life and force of his own and he will not be denied.

Some writers will plunge ahead giving in to the giddy power of having been swept away by the novel. I on the other hand want my characters to each have their moment in the sun and now is the not time for what I now call my little terrorist.

I know that negotiation is not possible the character is to strong. The fact that the story is growing and learning is an achievement which I do not wish to control but to mold. Time to pull out the writers weapons of choice. An outline.

Some of you look at the outline process as a creativity killer or a necessary before even beginning the story. If there is one thing I have learned is that no one thing works for all writers. 100 writers will swear by the outline and 100 will heap scorn on the outline who is right? I don't know or care.

What I do know is that it is better to have a full tool box than an empty one. I write the right way for me. I take each scene and process it mentally 50-60 times and then I type it up. I re-read previous chunks and go from there will this work for you probably not unless like me you become consumed by your work.

So what do you do when your character goes rogue? Pull out a piece of paper, click on an outlining app, walk over to your white board and start outlining roughly where your story started, where your characters are and what resolution you were hoping to end with. Sound easy? 

Don't feel bad if you find yourself on a 24 hour bender cursing the outline it is working like bad tasting medicine it is doing its job as works through your mental landscape.

And if all else fails and your character is determined to have their way in your story keep typing you may have a surprise hit on your hands.

What if?

Every story I have ever made up in my head, or sat down to write has started with what if?

When I read a good story by the end, the what if, has been resolved and I can see the organic germination from where the author spun and weaved their story.

Every sentence, paragraph, page should move the reader through a series of revelations, removing veils, answering what if until the reader looks back and thinks so that is how it all started and why it ended.

Whenever, my characters start to go silent I realize it is because I have decided to impose my will on them and instead let them lead me to the natural conclusion of what if.

What if, will help your characters develop more fully, what if will help your plot move and grow as it should. What if will keep your readers turning the page.

What if, is the reason that the great stories are passed down and endure.

Go ahead stick what if in front of your opening sentence and the beginning of each paragraph.

Pinterest, boards, secrets and you the writer

OK so I have this twisted relationship with Pinterest. As a story-teller I understand Pinterest as website. When I go on Pinterest I am lost. All the boards, the re-pinning. Visually Pinterest looks like a shopping catalog on steroids and bath salts (the zombie bath salts as opposed to the good kind) pinning is great.

But try keep track of your boards if you are following someone, exactly a nightmare. When I started Pinterest I actually made my boards private just for me hey I figured it would be nice to have a visual board.

Imagine my delight today when I got pinged on the app and an email announcing "secret boards." I think Pinterest is moving in the right direction with secret boards not happy about the limit of 3 secret boards and I still not crazy about the lay-out of Pinterest.

You are probably wondering what does Pinterest mean to you the author if you are suffering from the malaise called writers block surf through Pinterest for just 5 minutes you will be visually assaulted by so many disparte images you will definitely walk away with some new ideas for your novel.

If you want to sign up for Pinterest head over to http://pinterest.com/ and happy pinning.

Sony e-reader books now liberated

Those of you who know me, know I am a gadget junky, you need a USB 2.0 or 3.0 cable, SD and micro-SD got those too along with everything else I keep in my gadget treasure chest.

So it will not shock you when I say I was one of the early adopters of the Sony E-reader. I would ride the train during rush hour and people would tap me and ask about the Sony E-reader. I was giddy like a high school girl with her first crush I would describe the e-reader as an iPod for books. But like most school girl crushes (with or without twinkling vampires) the love had a heavy price. Sony had a redunkulous DRM system that made reading on the e-reader not so pleasant.

Imagine my pleasant a few days ago to discover this:

https://ebookstore.sony.com/download/

The 400 books I purchased before Amazon released its first Kindle are now liberated, let freedom ring.  I am now going through my Sony library and I am so happy that they released an app I want to personally send them a fruit basket.

I would continue to write but like a kid at Christmas I am to excited about my new stash of reading material.

Happy reading and writing folks.

With minutes to spare can you write a paragraph? I did it on the Metro.

I sat in my chair looking out at the skyscraper landscape one shoe dangled off of my toe. I wiggled the shoe so it bounced slowly against my foot, the buildings in front of me receded. Best time to destroy her life is during the holiday, she has everything to lose. I adjusted my position, maintaining good posture was important when you are going to unleash hell on someones life. Destroy a marriage. Check. Lose her children. Check. End her career. Check. Leave her in poverty. Double check. I sighed, smoothing my skirt down, we can put a man on the moon and yet fabric that does not wrinkle is still as elusive as angels and fairy dust. My cellphone rang,  I trace the outline of my victims face on the caller ID. The devil has to much fun I murmured to myself as I let the call go to voicemail. My head dropped back and a smile spread across my face, revenge wasn't sweet it was delicious and I couldn't wait to start eating.


I wrote the above paragraph while sitting on the train using a text editing app, I wrote it in the the time it took the train make 5 stops. I set up the app to automatically sync with Dropbox, and from Dropbox to blogger it was another short hop.

Maybe it is in your hand, pocket, purse, bag, book-bag, table, your cellphone is a powerful tool in capturing those evil twisted scenes, dialogues, plots that stream through your writers brain all day. Don't let a piece of paper, or a word processing system get in the way of capturing all of your great ideas. If you can tap out a few words to trigger sentences that is also OK.

Long gone are the romantic days of the author sitting at his desk and writing.

This is a brave new world, and we write, online while waiting for our coffee, we write while waiting for the prescription to be filled, we will even lock ourselves in the bathroom for a minuets a day to capture some fantastic new idea.

If you have a phone and you are writing it is time to look at that phone a whole different way.

Happy writing.

If you have some recommendations on good apps PLEASE share.

Have you organized your day? You only have limited time

How many balls are you juggling?  And by balls I mean: writing, 9-5 job, family, social obligations, stay fit, school, etc.  I have some good news and I have some good news.

You want to hear the good news first?

The good news is that you and everyone else on the planet each get 24 hours in a day.

The other good news: you decide how you are going to spend your 24 hours.

Yes you have the power, you are the president, CEO, Boss of You.

When it comes to my personal management you can call me the Enron, Bear Stearns, the Lehman Brothers type of CEO. Which is why I am doing a daily self-audit, every night create a check list (I hate calling it a to-do list, but you can call it magical sprinkle moments.)

My check list contains all of the actions and activities I want to accomplish the following day. My checklist tends to be an exhaustive list for two reasons:

1. I am capturing all the things including the small stuff i.e. brush teeth, load/unload dishwasher
2. I want to drill down and understand how I am spending my time

Will this work for you? I don't know. Do I recommend it?  Yes. Why? Because over the years in my quest to be organized I have realized that organizational planning revolves around goal setting, behavior modification and forming positive habit.

What I have found is that most books, websites, coaches leave out the hard work the nitty gritty of "Know Thyself."  

Know yourself, how do you spend your 24 hours in a day? Are you up catching the late night shows? Do you need to decompress for at least 15 minutes after  you drink your coffee. Do you take a quick shower in the morning to wake up followed by a longer shower in the evening to detox from the day?  Do you sit at your desk at work and surf while you mindlessly eat your lunch? All of these activities take time how much time only you know.

When you are writing and you have a full time job you need to make as much of your time count. Which brings us back to my long check list, I am beginning to understand how I spend my time and how I can reallocate it so that I can do more of what I love: Writing.

NaNoWriMo hit your word count even when you are away from your computer

For those of you read my blog you know I love technology and I love writing. NaNoWriMo is that time of the year where all the budding authors come out to play. But for those who are committed to finishing their novel by the end of the month meetings those daily word counts can be stressful. But fear not now you can hit your word count, while you are waiting in the doctors office, the DMV, ordering lunch, riding on public transportation.

When you are trying to hit a word count and you are limited on time being able to squeeze in some writing where you are can make the difference between successfully finishing NaNoWriMo or feeling like you have the worlds best cereal but no milk.

Enter technology for those of you with hectic busy schedules technology has come to save the day. And your life safer is closer than you think, yup your phone.

Download any text or word editing document such as Plain Text, iA Writer, Quick Office Pro, Documents to Go, Polaris Office etc., onto your phone.

And also snap up any of the following Dropbox, Sugarsync, Box, BoxNet, SkyDrive, GDrive etc you will need these in order to keep your files straight between your phone and computer. Now instead of sitting on the train playing fruit ninja you can squeeze 100 or 1000 words depending on the length of your commute and the transit Gods willingness to have allowed you the blessing of a seat while you tap out your purple prose.

If you are using a text/word editing app please share your experience.

Happy writing

I have a monkey on my back, and the monkey brain in control

I have a monkey on my back, a bad habit, OK more than one bad habit. I must say that I was OK with my bad habits, after all the bad habits were not interfering with living the unexamined life (tongue in cheek folks.)

Enlightenment, that would be nirvana, but I methinks baby steps would be better.

This blog is about my journey as I write, and I have been very good about writing my novel. I have been very good about blogging it helps me to feel like I am doing a checks and balances on myself and I am proud of daily routine.

I am not proud of my writing habits on the other hand.

I have been writing sporadically, and mentally I have dug in my heels on the editing stage. I have made so many excuses regarding editing that at this point, I am mentally raising my eyebrows at myself and telling myself "come up with something better I aint buying it."

What does this all mean? This means I have to make changes, unlike the past I am trying to avoid some pitfalls like trying to make 1 trillion changes at once.

The number one way to make a change is to develop a schedule and stick to the schedule, so you are guessing I am going to make a schedule you are half right. I am going to get this monkey of bad habit off my back. First good habit: develop the habit of making a schedule. You are probably thinking I am extremely dense and not very bright. I have spent the entire weekend reading on developing good habits and EVERY single blog, book, etc suggested making a schedule.

Here is the tricky part they all forgot that if you can't stick to a schedule how can you make one. In order to develop and stick to a schedule you need to learn how to develop a schedule by sticking to creating one. 

Every day create a schedule, why? how do I know where I want to go if I currently my mind like a monkey is jumping from place to place with no sense of organization.

First develop a schedule and now the hard part audit that schedule daily.  Yes AUDIT, which means going through the schedule like a homicide detective with trust issues who thinks the world is guilty. Only I will be using the audit process to really determine what is reasonable every day. Instead of some pie in the sky goal, look at my life and say this is realistic and that is OK.

Yes some people can produce 2 or 30 pages per day exercise 45 minutes, clean, answer all emails, pick up the kids, make a 3 course meal have a full time job and meditate. (I applaud all of you super heroes) The joy of being a thousand years old is that you learn to accept yourself. My goals are more modest. Next 30 days develop and audit schedule. If I can make my goal then step 2.

What are your writing goals? What is your daily schedule? How do you stay motivated?

Sound the alarm

Sound the alarm, or better yet listen to all the small quiet signals that keep whispering the truth. Having trouble falling asleep on Sunday?
Dreading walking into another meeting?
Look for ways to show even a modicum of interest in office politics and gossip?
You look at a new reporting procedure and you  start looking at retired senior citizens with envy?
When someone leaves the department you feel bitter envy mixed with happiness because they escaped?

When your alarm clock goes off yo lay in bed and your brain buzzes in protest while your body lays unresponsive?

You drink two double espresso before leaving the house and yet you get to the office and your eyes are barely open as you greet your co-workers.

You ask yourself if this is it, is this all to life, but you are to scared to change because change means having to embrace your dream.

Sound the alarm because it is time to leave the zombie state behind and embrace who you are meant to be, you were meant for more than 9-5.

Sound the alarm because everything can change when you run towards your dreams you don't need a double espresso or an alarm clock. You greet each day with joy. So sound the alarm and start something new.

Should have could have would have

When I don't blog I feel as if I should have, but then I ask myself could have I produced something that was compelling and meaningful. Would have I created a blog post that meant something.

Is this blog a journey and if so does it mean a daily commitment?

I don't know. I like to think that when I post it is because, I have experiences something and I want to share it.

I grew up being a ham, story-telling is easy for me trust me lets go out to dinner, trust me you will end up with the biggest doggy bag ever, why? Because you will be entertained and you will forget to eat. Am I great, no, am I entertaining? Yes.

I like being able to move people to a magical place, I like whisking people into a fantasy even for a brief period of time it is my gift.

So should I, could I blog every day? Only if I Would I have a better blog.

Should, Could and Would will be on vacation for eternity cheers :)

I am conflicted at best at worst I have two opinions

But to those who disagree I will give you this timeless song.....Think of me as you listen....

What mask are you wearing?

Today is Halloween when kids and adults dress up and let loose. Yet I can't help but think that today is the one day of the year when people honestly state they are wearing a mask of their choosing.

We all wear masks. The mask of the good employee, pretending to be interested in status updates, excel spread sheets and power point slides. But the truth is that it is a mask.

We wear a mask in school we sit obediently and memorize and respond with the right answer for a grade.

And then Halloween comes around and we don't have to pretend, we can be what our heart desires, we can be a witch because it has been that type of year. We can be a vampire to reflect the soul suckers in our lives. We can be the nurse because we are caregivers.

But on Halloween we can just be and no one expects any differently from us.

Back up your writing

If you are a writer you know how important it is to keep your files safe. I am highlighting SugarSync today because they are free and if you want premium service you they are having a sale

https://www.sugarsync.com/referral?rf=bjb3pkra02op7&utm_source=website&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=referral&shareEvent=2921730

Creating my own world

When people ask me why I want to write, for me it is the ability to create my own world to create my own stories, to create my own characters. Granted once I start writing the characters have a funny way of behaving and going rogue.

But I have to tell you a secret as writer when one of your characters goes rogue and behaves in an unexpected way that is when whether you admit it or not you fall in love with these make believe people. In those rogue moments they are REAL, you no longer have control and you are telling their story and my oh my their stories can be amazing.

So create your stories but look forward to that moment when they get rebellious and they act out of character trust me those are the ones  you never forget.

Defiance

I hate hearing the word "no" especially in response to a request. I hate the feeling that I should be thankful when crumbs of kindness are thrown my way. I hate the feeling that my time, my thoughts, my view must be moderated by someone who doesn't know or doesn't care how I feel.

So I write, I write in defiance of people who tell me that meaningful work is done between 9-5pm.  I write in defiance of people who claim I must be on a certain schedule. I defy people who tell me to stay within the lines, to only use crayons and use my indoor voice.

I have a brain and I will use it, my brain belongs to me. Nothing you say will make me change my views, opinions or thoughts. You can use threats, force, blackmail but trust me in the end I will defy you and I will laugh. I was born to be free and no cage for my own security will keep me trapped for to long. No amount of fear-mongering will keep me from spreading my wings and climbing higher. No amount of negative comments or hateful words will keep me from my goal.

For to many years I listened to everyone else, because I am a good girl well now I am ME. So I will defy everyone who says: "I am not" because I am.

I want my last thoughts on my deathbed to be yeah I did it, not I wish I had tried.

Perpetual twilight

I woke up today with a half dark sky. And as the day wore on the day barely brightened. The birds were gone and it was quiet outside. Nature knows the storm is coming so it is preparing itself for what is to come knowing that it will weather is all part of a cycle.

The notice came as a text no work tomorrow and the twilight lingered. I think twilight will linger through the storm and then sun will break through as it always does after a storm.

Torn to pieces

If books were an unhealthy addiction, I would never be clean and truth is I would give into my addiction gladly. Thankfully books are an addiction with only mind blowing side effects such as: making you laugh, cry, wonder in amazement feel fear, feel joy etc.

Lately I have not been reading because I don't want my writing to be influenced by another author. Apparently one of the Lisbeth's didn't get the memo we are creative in an empty room with bare walls and only a chair and it would still be a party. And let me tell you it would be an epic party.

Because I had been denying myself of my drug and self control is a muscles that taxes itself with to much exertion (just read the study so now I have proof) I caved, cracked, succumbed to read.

Oh it felt good every single page turn was a new rush of wonderful stimulating endorphins that can only be compared to a good time, good food or good sex.

When I was done with the book I realized something interesting the book had given me a completely DIFFERENT idea of the premise and outcome of the book. So my brain must be working harder smarter.

And I the brain scurried here and there I realized it wasn't just the book it was the accumulation of many books and the idea my brain is currently consumed by would have never happened without the previous hundreds of authors plus the book I just finished.

Moral of the story: when you write you need to read a lot.

So I do think it is possible to read for pleasure and continue to write.

Excuse me I need to take another hit the second book is calling me....

Is being creative an accident? Or are we born creative?

Now sometimes I lay on the couch and I wonder how my brain can have so many great interesting ideas. And then I remember it started with this:

I mean seriously a cross-dressing rabbit? And let me tell you folks I thought that episode was EPIC I mean I wanted to watch that one episode over and over again (my mom was concerned but she thought ehhhh just a cartoon how bad can it be)

But then I turned 6 and I realized I was in need of more mature entertainment and I found this:

Her aunt pimps her out!!! And they do it to song and dance!!! I mean till this day if you throw on a song and start dancing I can be entertained by all kinds of craziness (explains my unwholesome Bollywood obsession)

Then I turned 10 I mean I was a grown up ready to TACKLE PROBLEMS and Hollywood show me the truth of my future.

Seriously I didn't stand a chance, my brain was forever conditioned to negotiate every interaction like a potential plot point in a movie.....Don't get me started on what I tried to do when I read Madeline L'Engles A Wrinkle in Time (I will save that for another day)

How about you? Were you born or did you become creative?

It is ok to be happy but it is better to make miserable people happy

If you watch the news, read the paper or go online you can find an infinite number of ways to be unhappy.

So how does being happy start? A sprinkle of self-esteem, a cup of love, a pound of nurturing , 3/4 of tolerance, 4 cups sense of humor,5 cups of patience, 6 cups of compassion. And then you don't stop stirring. People will tell you your dish is to rich or to bland.

But don't forget what makes you unique is the fact that your happiness can not be found by chasing the dream of others.

Being happy is finding those quite moments and LISTENING to the silence, listening to the space between your breath and reflecting on those things which you are grateful. And when you are ready to communicate you communicate from a place of love and understanding even when you don't understand the world around you.

Want to make yourself really happy? Gather a piece of paper, your tablet, laptop, pens, pencils crayons etc. I will wait until you get back.

Right now in your life is a person so repugnant you cant think about them without bile rising in your throat. Now I want you to write that persons story, before you start to whine you don't know their background that makes this project even more fun. Imagine what turned them into a repugnant, obnoxious, bitter, miserable person.

But we aren't done, next step write the second part of the story where you and this person meets and write it from their perspective. We aren't done yet now I want you to end the book. If you believe in the world of karma or paying it forward I challenge you to write a happy ending to end all endings. By the time your story is finished this person should be completed healed.

Now I know you are wondering why would I write a story about someone who is repugnant? People aren't born bitter, angry etc. life changes them and it is up to us to stand fast and not let their negative energy infect us. By writing their own happy ending you can see the alternatives and you may also discover that the world has very few heroes and villains but is full of just normal people doing the best they can with what they have at any given moment.
 

You are all grown up, so what do you want to be when you grow up?

Time to wake up and smell life. Life will happen to you whether you are prepared or not. Time will come and go, what you do with your time will depend only on YOU.

How many ideas, thoughts, and wishes do you have on the back burner?

How long will you let them simmer? Taking the first step is scarey but not taking the first step will lead to a lifetime of regret.

So what do you want to be when you grow up? You say you are 40 now, well guess what all things being even you still have another 20-30+ years of life left. How do you want to spend them?

The right tools to write

Ask three authors what tools, techniques they use to bring out their inner muse and you will get 3 different answers.

I have read multi-page blog posts waxing poetics on: outlines, index cards, cork boards, legal pads, napkins, post it etc.

I purposely did not mention software and hardware, I have heard of an author who wrote his entire book using his cellphone, others will swear by certain software programs i.e. Scrivener, Dragon Dictation,  MS Word etc.

Then hardware, some authors feel more professional sitting at a desktop with an organized desk of notes and research by their side. Some authors swear by a laptop which they carry wherever the wind blows them.

And let us not forget Apps, I would start to mention some but then I would have to write up another blog post on apps.

And the apps do not include all the cloud synching capabilities available today: Dropbox, Box, SugarSync, iCloud, SkyDrive, GDrive etc.

How do I like to write? I prefer my laptop, synced to multiple cloud services (I use all of the above plus some) I need a comfortable chair and at some point I am going to need some coffee.

Two hours of writing and then 45 minutes of re-reading certain sections feels comfortable.  On a good day in two hours I can bang out 10-12 pages, on a not good day 3-5.

So what are the right tools for writing? is it your iPad, a laptop, desktop, smart phone? I am curious to see more reviews for Microsoft's Surface tablet, but until then I will stick with my current routine.

A perfect moment

I am not a teacher, but I do work with schools. I was just outside in the playground with the 3-4 year old's and I experienced a moment of perfection. Little bodies playing, laughing and learning. Pointing out all the amazing trees like the red, yellow and green leaves. They played with dirt and made little house and forts. They pretended to be birds and monkeys and swing on the playground.

I looked around I jumped right in, yes I too played.

And it was amazing, all of a sudden I realized that the trees were magical they were multicolored and I could search for the treasure in each leaf.

That wasn't just dirt but a magical substance that could create a fortress. And the best part about playing was the lack of judgement the freedom to just be. The ability to live each second as they arise with no thoughts of past present or future.

Although the playtime was brief it was like my parched soul was watered, no judgements, no critics. While I was on the playground I could just be. And I cant think of a greater gift than to just be.

I hope you go outside and play as well :)

Concentration and Focus

Have a full-time and you are also working on your novel?

Then welcome to this:

People will say you are selfish, because you want to stay in and work on your novel. People will ask what is the point as you don't have a good chance of being published.

People will ask who do you think you are to believe in yourself and call yourself creative.

People will point out all the people who came before you and are still not published.

People will assume your novel is not good enough. People will assume you aren't smart, or creative enough.

People will call your writing a silly hobby. People will assume this is just a passing phase. People will tell you ad nauseum not to quit your day job even while you never mentioned quitting your day job.

People will assume that they are so interesting that you will want to somehow add a caricature of their likeness to your novel.

And that is what they will say to your face, behind your back the comments and gossip will be a lot nastier.

It is up to all of us who have a gift for story telling to hold fast to the belief to concentrate and focus on what feels right. Writing just feels right for me.

So for all the nay-sayers all the do gooders and all the non believers. I will be here tapping away on my keyboard. Because I believe in me. 

Writing the wrong way aka Do not try this at home

I have purchased every molskine, notebooks, writing pads, writing apps, writing software, outlines etc.

I have yet to find anything that feels right for writing. So everyday I write and re-write scenes in my head, scratching out words, deleting sentences, adding information. I sit down with the trusty laptop and I type out the scenes that have played in my head for days and sometimes weeks. In no way am I advocating or even suggesting this as a viable method for writers or writing.

I would gladly love to have some other system that works for me and as I continue on this journey I hope to find some system that does work and feels natural to my style.

Call Me Ishmael, No call me Rumpelstiltskin, actually just call me Lisbeth

I was watching Once Upon a Time last night and I kept thinking about Rumpelstiltskin today, because someone said something not nice to me.

I thought I didn't care because the person who said it not someone I admire or look to for guidance.

Then I guess my subconscious or my back-brain as I like to call must have dwelled  on it because I thought of quite a few put downs for this person and I wanted to tell this person about them self.

And for a moment I felt powerful like Rumpelstiltskin I knew that power meant having the upper hand. And during that glorious brief moment a mental image of myself flashed in my first brain and I saw:

















And I was not pleased with that pic. Rumpelstiltskin's major weakness was once his greatest strength. When
Rumpelstiltskin refused to fight in the ogre war he understood that it was futile endeavour and his son meant more to him than death or the glory of a fallen soldier. While people in his village ridiculed
Rumpelstiltskin his love for his son was his strength it allowed him to hold fast to his belief and what he believed was right. 

People will call us cowards, not good enough etc, like Rumpelstiltskin we can choose to be true to our love which should always start with our self.

I am choosing to be Lisbeth, and remember that life will set my priorities or I will set them, but regardless what I follow will determine my outlook. I choose to be Lisbeth, so don't call me Ishmael, because both the whale and I have our respective karma's. 

David Mitchell's Cloud Atlas

Possible SPOILER ALERT DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT FINISHED or JUST STARTED READING
So I was thinking of Cloud Atlas

DO NOT continue reading if you are just beginning

Specifically the first chapter the introduction of Adam Ewing, Adam Ewing is innocent, idealistic, naive, easily deceived, and completely without a clue as to his purpose in life, and his understanding of events as they unfold.

And I couldn't help but think what a wonderful metaphor because Adam Ewing represents us the reader as we embark upon our adventure of David Mitchell's epic journey on Cloud Atlas. Unlike the reader Adam is presented with an opportunity to have learned from his journey as a result of so many "big moments."

I was most impressed with Adam when at the end he realized that yes great moments are presented to us. Those moments dont make great or cowards, when we rise up and realize that these moments are opportunities and that how we respond is what makes us courageous or cowards but even time changes the very meaning of courage and cowardice. Yesterday's rebel, terrorist, enemy of the state, is tomorrow's freedom fighter and vice versa.

Go back in time and ask the British aristocracy if our Founding Fathers were heroes at the time? And even some in the colonies were content to remain under British rule after all it was a known familiar method of rule the new born Democracy was quite frankly SHOCKING fast forward 200 years later....

Our PR campaign to paint ourselves as sinner or saints is for nothing because history will determine where we will be placed in the grand continuum for the benefit of society....

big fish in a small pond or a small fish in a big pond

Is it better to be a small fish in a big pond or a big fish in a small pond?

Or is it better to realize that this life isn't a pond and we are not fish.

But like fish, we can be lured, trapped, swim free, join a school, take off and travel through the water to find new adventures.

When life give us an either/or choice it is time to look for the 3rd way. The 3rd way is our unique individual way. The way that leads to happiness and the way so that we cant be compared to fish, or others.

Keep swimming with or against the tide :)

Fear, anticipation, joy and journies

Sometimes I think writing about myself is revealing who I am to strangers, and then I realize, whether I write about myself or another topic a part of me is there for the world.

I just watched Home by Michael Buble and I kept thinking the song "speaks" to me because I understand the need to branch out the need for excitement the need to try new things but finding out that no one else shares those needs.

I want to go home but unlike Michael in her video, I know the adventure continues for me.

Crisp fall days

Being able to wake up and peacefully drink a cup of coffee. Talk about bliss.

The Cereal Novel for the serial digial age

Charles Dickens wrote the Pickwick Papers as a serial novel, and in a case of history repeating itself authors are now looking back as they move forward in the digital age.

One of the major advantages of a serial novel is that it gives readers the ability to read "mini-chunks" and become intimate with characters over a stretch of time.

I love ♥ the idea of a serial novel and have been kicking one around in my head. The concept I have in mind would be perfect for a serial novel.

Another attractive feature of composing a serial novel is that it gives the author the ability characters, and plots speak for them-self.


And so I present you with the first of the  "Cereal Morning"

The lights brightened slowly, pulling me of my delta wave stage, my body was pleasantly cool. I felt incredibly refreshed. As was the norm my eyes fluttered opened with half remembered snippets of dreams as ephemeral as clouds. Silence. Wonderful silence engulfed me.

I smelled the coffee brewing, everything was as it should be, I felt content. and at ease. I slipped out of the bedroom and walked into the kitchen. As I walked into the kitchen the coffeemaker started to slowly drip hot coffee into the mug, the screens one by one turned on. News streamed on one screen, emails on another populated the next screen based on importance and urgency.  No email stood out, the news was as always the same disasters, followed by a a new breakthrough on how to fight back against nature and her unwillingness to play.

Tina's mouth opened and closed rapidly she was animated and visibly excited, I frowned, I taped my ear and instantly my hearing senses were turned on.

I frowned, hoping she would pick up and learn from the facial expression but still she spoke. I sighed, teaching them was an endless battle but we had to have mercy and patience.

Tina, I spoke slowly and deliberately, I have not had my coffee or had breakfast yet, your behavior is inappropriate. I tapped my ear again, silence except for the few minutes when the body has to adjust and "listens" to the pounding heart. I sighed when would they advance so that the state of silence I wondered to myself.

The opposite of love is fear Madeleine L'Engle's " A Wrinkle in Time"

Reading is an active experience, most people view reading as a passive activity in which a person sits, reads and then finishes a story.

I on the other hand can honestly say that reading is active, the best authors can so fully engage the reader, that we can: see, smell, taste, feel and react to static printed words.

Stories can be more powerful than any magic trick ever conceived all because each person can walk away from a book having gained understanding.

I remember reading Madeleine L'Engle's a "Wrinkle in Time" and before reading the book I always thought hate was the opposite of love. 

But as I read Meg Murry cling not give up faith or hope on seeing her father again I realized that the biggest barrier to love is not but fear. 

Meg Murry overcame her fear not because she wanted to be a heroine, she overcame fear to save her father, brother and family. By letting go of her fear Meg was able to open herself to give and receive love.



What do you fear? 
How has your fear changed you? 

Challenging Time or Time Challenged

When I am not repeating a scene from my story in my brain, I am often thinking of ways on how to effectively manage my time.

My heart wants to write, my brain knows that I have bills, need at least 8 hours to sleep and have to put in 8 hours at the office.

I went on a bit of a bender OK I went balls to the walls and overloaded on every time-management app, software, gadget etc.

I will beat you to it and say, the time I invested in the apps, software, gadgets, and other miscellaneous time management tools was a waste of time in the sense that I didn't discover the Hail Mary of time management.

I did discover a few things that are NECESSARY to be a productive writer, time manager or astronaut

1. 8 hours sleep
2. eating balances meal
3. exercise (whatever you do that works up a sweat)
4. relaxing (yes if you don't relax you cant write, manage your time or go up into space)
5. turn off the distractions which includes the apps, software, gadgets etc that are meant to "manage your time"

How do you balance/manage your full time job and continue to write?

Ravel's Sleeping Beauty

I was blessed, I grew up listening to all types of music, most people think that is limited to classical and anything that is English. But no, Italian, Spanish, Irish, Farsi, Portuguese, French, Russian, and the list goes on and and on.

When my brain overloaded from stories I would turn to music to create my own stories and I remember listening to Ravel's Pavane de la Belle Au Bois Dormant and be transported to a forest. Not a scary forest but one filled with fairies, magic, god-mothers and flowers endless ccolorful flowers. I would play the song over and over again, thinking that if I did at some point I could jump into the song the way I could lose myself in a story. I was to young to understand the by mere virtue of all I had imagined I had already jumped into Ravel's story. 

I am continuously humbled by all the great artist who have shared their gifts and passion with us.

 If you could jump into a song, which song would you choose and why?

Should I stay or should I go The Clash but not of the Titans just of friends and social engagements

I have an inbox full of invitations to countless gatherings, between a family situation and writing I find that I have very limited time after the full time job.

So you are probably wondering why did I pick should I stay or should I go? Do I feel compelled to to go and party instead of write? No.

What I find interesting is that when I decline a social engagement and I tell people I will be writing the response is always the same: "Oh you are writing, but you can do that later."

Were I less polite, I would respond "I know I can write later, but I choose to write now."

So for everyone who thinks this is a passing fancy, that I am using my writing as an excuse I give you this song take it as you wish :).

I hate you then I love you Celine Dion Luciano Pavarotti

When I think of writing and editing this is the song that comes to mind.....

Even with the writing process there is drama, passion, hate, fear, love and every other emotion that can be felt.

One step at a time

Manhanttan, 215th Street Inwood Hill Park

Losing the battle but winning the war insomnia my old friend

I was going to fight my insomnia, I broke out all my weapons and prepared for battle.

• meditation
• eye mask
• ear plugs
• white noise
• chamomile tea
• counting the breath

I lost. I mean like zero sleep lost, like clockwork no sleep = headache following day I lost. Sandman came and threw a PARTAY.  The brain said sleep is for the weak we are at war. *Note to self do not watch 12 hours before attempting to go sleep*

And then my modified stages of grief kicked in

• Denial
• Anger
• Resentment
• Rage
• Acceptance

Acceptance I waved the white flag, I was exhausted I didn't want to fight anymore.

And then an idea slipped, like a blanket that falls perfectly on the body for rest. My heart started to hammer, not just an idea because it unfolded like parchment it was more than an idea it was a story not just a story but the story. The story I have wondered about the story that for years has teased  and taunted.

But....before I leap into that remember in all my post this--> can be linked to that <--

Check the web and you will be given quite a bit of advice if you

1. Have insomnia
2. You are new to writing

Interestingly enough the advice for insomnia--> and advice for writing <-- can read the same
 a. keep a notebook close by record your idea
 b. pay attention to how you feel
 c. capture all your thoughts

If all of those things work for you GREAT!  I lay in bed and half the brain read the story and the other half wrote the story. I would not interrupt the process to "physically write it." Already the story had become engraved in my brain. When I finish this post I will start to write the introduction to the story.  I already know the beginning but something tells me I am in for a wild ride and I look forward to each word in every sentence of every paragraph on the many pages. 

But before I start to write I cant help but wonder does --> Insomnia serve a purpose Creativity<--- ???

leave a comment below

From the classics straight to the hardcore stuff

While most kids were experimenting with drugs, alcohol and sex. I was experimenting with books. Back in the days. We didn't have many authors interested in the "Young Adult" genre which left poor little old me with no recourse but to go from the classics straight to adult books in every genres.

I would be the first to admit that my cherry was popped before it was popped. One series in particular will always stand out for its fantasy, voluptuous sexy time and at the time for me outrageous sexual predilections. I felt worldly and yet a novice reading Anne Rice"The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty."

In my hand I held a fairy tale plus every hormonal urge that has struck humans since Adam figured out Eve was naked.

I consider "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" the pinnacle of sexual fetish fantasy in its full glory and splendor, nothing is held back, the entire story is decadent like the perfect piece of dessert. It is rich in imagery and the scenes were burned into my teenage mind. I have re-read the series to see if it still held the same sexual appeal and the answer is OMG YES.

Only now I am not an innocent ingenue who was shocked at such a story and dialog, I read it now thinking yes this is a real adult book not masquerading behind thin appeals to the younger crowd wanting something "naughty" to read but a book for adults who want to push mental boundaries in the literary form.

If you are interested in reading Anne Rices' Trilogy you can download or buy amazon.com
The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty

Flowers for Algernon

We all have a book(s) that change our lives forever. I remember reading Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes when I was in the 4th grade. I remember Flowers for Algernon because that was the first time a book devasted my heart and turned my world upside down. Within my hands I held not a book or a story but a powerful force that took me on an emotional rollercoaster one sentence, paragraph, page by page.

I remember that was the first time I finished reading a book and weeping. I felt such a sense of loss. My eyes were opened to the true cruelty of the world and I was just a kid and I could do nothing for Charlie. You see in my mind Charlie wasn't a character but a real person and my inability to help him was my first real taste of what it meant to love and lose. I lost my innocence and I learned that life is cruel and that each step of the way we will encounter difficulties some of them even insurmountable.

After I stopped crying I realized that Charlie had maintained his beauty and I wanted to desperately capture and bottle that not for myself but for the world. I wanted the world to see, that flowers can grow next garbage. That smog can't completely obscure the clouds and and that if we stopped wishing for better weather we can catch the rainbow when the showers are done.

I have my battered copy of Flowers for Algernon still with me, and unlike my top 10 books that I read. I have not revisited Charlie, not because I feel it would cause me pain. But the 4th grader in me remembers my first earth shattering experience with a book that changed me and that will always have a special place in my heart.

http://www.amazon.com/Flowers-for-Algernon-ebook/dp/B003WJQ74E/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1349924841&sr=1-1&keywords=flowers+for+algernon

Just a little bit of history repeating itself

Depending on who you ask there are #___ of plots when it comes to stories and according to the Internet Public Library http://www.ipl.org/div/farq/plotFARQ.htmlyou can truly pick.

When I read a ho-hum book. I often think of the Properllheads featuring Miss Shirley singing Just a little bit of history repeating itself before you run off and label me a cynic. It is those stories that repeat with a twist that keeps me reading.

Looking for the twist is what compels me to write because I can sense that someone may have written about goblins, zombies, mountains but maybe goblins have digestive issues which only allow them to consume dust bunnies. My zombies aren't cannibals they are misunderstood they just want to have some brain power again you get the picture.

The best part of writing is the pure creation process the ability to weave a thread into a blanket that covers the imagination with new thoughts and ideas.

What is your favorite book that reminds you of another book you read?

Pumped Up Kicks because bad always starts somewhere

When I read a good story my heart is cheering like the bottom of the 9th with a tied game bases loaded. The opposing team is the enemy/bad guy, and yet if I didn't have that opposing team, that villain that bad ass bad guy/chick I would put the book we all would.

We need that evil monster whether it is us vs them, a vampire, Magneto, Venom, Lex Luthor, we don't want bad. We all want BAD because bad makes the story, bad is what makes us flip the page, bad is lead up to the orgasmic release called "the end."

Bad is what keeps us coming back for more, yes our hero and heroines are virtuous and wonderful but damn they are boring without BAD.

Bad also serves a purpose, it reminds me that somewhere in the story (we are all a story) communication has broken down. Bad is leads to miss-communication and that is when all hell breaks loose. Bad reminds me that each of us is a story and if we don't pause, ask reflect we may never know how we got to bad. Knowing how we got to "bad" is why "prequels" are hot right now.

Knowing the back story to bad doesn't make it less bad but it does allow us to begin their story, our story and your story.

Ramblin Man Back and Forth

Just in case you haven't noticed the trend yet I can connect --> this with <--that.

I have been traveling quite a bit lately and I feel like this -->

The beauty of being a nerd is that I want to feel like this -->



So I know what you are thinking am I trying to make a connection between country and R&B to late that has been done quite a few times. I wont bore you with that instead I will point you to --> Me.

I think that in the excitement of the journey I forgot that the journey is the path, where does the path lead? Where will I end up? Will things work out? What am I in control of? Am I doing the right thing? Why am I bothering?

We all have a story to tell, we are also a part of other people story. In our own story we play the lead. In other stories we can play, hero/ine villain, antagonist, provocateur etc.

I keep waiting for that moment in one of these many trips where like a hero in adventure I have the "light bulb aha moment" it hasn't happened.   I then wonder what if that moment happens, what then how will I feel?

What can it be? How can it be changed? I will do it My Way just like Frank Sinatra

I guess I should have started writing when I was 5. Instead I told myself I had to many questions about life. I am always looking at thing or experiencing things and thinking "What if___" for example I had to log on to a website it asked for my username and password.

1. My computer knows my name but it doesnt talk to the "internet" yet"
2. Password I have to type in a password....Secure not so much.....Hell you want to make a password use my fingerprint
3. Some of you will understand and for those of you who do "THANK YOU IN ADVANCE" for those who dont get it just skip 3 number. Why do I have type ".com" or the symbole "@" Whenever I type .com in or @ I always wonder if the computer is going to ask you do you want your coffee in a cup? a dedicated ".com" button that can be toggled to become .org, edu etc....

For those of you who think # 3 is useless, pointless or stupid the line to conformity starts here -->

Which brings me to design....in our technological rush of making things faster, smaller, slimmer we have forgotten to make them user friendly and rational. Imagine if your remote control did not have an on off switch but could do everything else under the sun.

When I create I can create all the "what ifs" I wonder about all day long. And I can always have it my way

Amelia Gold Part 3

"So Blaine is back from Germany" Amelia's mom chirped over the phone it was 6pm and Amelia was still at work. Her new boss was counting on her and she couldn't let her down. Blaine had been in Germany? He had said he would call it had been 5 weeks and she had not heard from him. Ameila had been disappointed and had blamed herself for Blaine's lack of interest.

Amelia was confused why had Blaine gone back to Germany and not told her? Why had he not called? Would he call now that he was back? Should she call him? As if reading her mind mother suggested, "why don't you give him a call after all he did mention he had a lovely time with you at dinner." Amelia was confused he had spoken to her mother but had not called her.

Amelia was about to respond when her supervisor Tina walked in disregarding that it was after 5 and Amelia was on the phone, Tina demanded in a high pitched voice "Amelia did you finish my report?"

"Did she just walk into your office and demand a report from you Amelia how dare she?" Mrs. Gold screeched on the phone. "I'll call you back mom" Amelia quickly hung up the phone. Tina tapped her fingernail impatiently on Amelia's desk. I sent the report to you over an hour ago Tina Amelia rushed she was flustered by her supervisor. Well since I didn't receive it send it again Tina vicious smile swallowed what she really wanted to say Amelia. Of course Tina right away, Amelia fumbled with the keyboard and tapped out a second email. Tina watched Amelia like a vulture watching its prey die slowly and asked "If you already sent it why didn't you just forward the original email from your sent box?"Amelia started to stutter and stammer her face went red, her heart was hammering. Amelia opened and closed her mouth but Tina had already walked out of the office.

As if sensing the moment of weakness the phone rang and Amelia picked it up. "Who does that poor dirty woman think she is barging into your office making demands? Mrs. Gold screeched, Amelia knew her mother was right but she was worried that someone might here what her mother said on the phone so she had no choice but to say "Tina is under a lot of stress with this new promotion and honestly it is a compliment she relies on me so much.  "Of course she relies on you she went to a community college, Amelia agreed with her mother but this was not the time or place for the conversation. Mom I have another call coming through will call you back and she hung up.

It was pouring and with no umbrella Amelia was soaked by the time she reached her car. Her phone rang again she considered not even checking it because she was tired of her mother, when she saw Blaine's number.

Hey Amelia Bedlia, mind if I come over now? Amelia was in shock. Blaine liked her, her heart soared

Miles and Miles

Miles and miles

Yes I often feel like it is miles and miles to go especially on the weekends. I feel the pull of not having reached my destination even when I arrive. That sense of being unsettled no matter where I am, or where I am going. It feels like I never arrived, like I never left, like and in those moments when tiredness overcomes me and my mind goes utterly blank only to reconnect when someone starts to talk only to be startled because I cant remember if I am here or there and if I am here why are they here and if I am there why are they there? Confusing it gets worse when you have that moment of where am I but to tired to care and frame it all mentally. 

Amelia Gold Part 2

"Amelia Bedila" Her mother sing-songed over the phone don't forget to wear the Michael Kors black dress your calves are still chu-full and we want Blaine, they had grown up together. Blaine had studied at University of Chicago Under grad and Grad before he had landed a consulting gig out in Germany. Amelia had always had a secret crush on Blaine and had been surprised to hear that her mother had arranged the date with him.

Amelia started to sweat it was 8:15 and Blaine had not shown up, they had arranged to meet at the trendy Sushi place he had suggested. The bartender walked back to Amelia would you like another sake miss? He asked with the bored indifference that was reserved for the plain janes and the single non-high rollers. No I am waiting for my date Amelia blurted out, the bartender gave her a polite smile as he didn't want to completely blow his tip. 15 minutes later Ameila paid the tab and headed for the bathroom pretending that she had changed her mind about dinner.

Just as she was walking out head down she was to embarrassed to see if the bartender was looking in her direction. "Amelia Bedilia" Amelia's face went red hot the male voice was obviously Blaine Amelia looked up and plastered a smile on her face. 

"Hi Blaine" Amelia stared like an idiot he was even better looking than she remembered, Blaine gave Amelia a once over, with an insincere smile he said sorry I am late, got held up in the office. "Oh I understand, work can be brutal." Amelia looked up at her crush picturing wedding bells and happily ever after. Blaine raised an eyebrow funny I thought you were working with homeless people I mean if they are homeless not much can be done about that he said carelessly." Amelia nodded "that is true but it can be emotionally draining work." Blaine frowned but they are homeless you don't them so how can it be stressful?" Stressful is having to move $350 million Euro at the right second or lose it all Blaine patted Amelia's head.

Blaine headed towards the same empty bar stools where Amelia had sat waiting for him. The bartender reappeared looked at Amelia and Blaine. Sensing a fat wallet the bartender politely asked Blaine what he would have.  Blaine ordered an expensive bottle of sake without asking Amelia her preference. So tell me Bedilia, who is Lily dating now? Amelia wish she had left earlier.

Lily is married, she just had a baby, she married Roger Cooper. The look of disappointment on Blaine's face could not have been more apparent. Well I guess we should toast Roger for being one lucky bastard Blaine laughed. Amelia smiled inside she wanted to run out of the restaurant and go home.

Here have a shot of sake, Amelia shook her head, Blaine's face darkened in disgust and boredom you are still the same uptight bore he sneered. Amelia picked up the glass and drank the sake in one shot. Attagirl Blaine egged her on, shot after shot.

Amelia opened her eyes she was lying face down on the floor in her apartment, she could smell vomit and nearby was a used condom. Blaine walked out of the bathroom drying his hair with her towel and threw it on the vomit, he quickly dressed. Amelia was struggling to sit up but the floor was spinning.

Well it was real fun Amelia Bedelia but like I said last night oral is better without a condom, that is why you choked and puked. I'll call you and with that the door banged and Amelia was still on the floor wondering she hadn't woken up sooner so she could have cleaned herself up she could have made him breakfast so he would have stuck around longer.

I can make up a good story

Now tell me to decorate or put two colors together and I hide under a blanket until you get the general idea of it "ain't" gonna happen. http://www.colourlovers.com/

I found this website in one my lazy days and I have to say I admire the creativity. Plus I love the fact that I don't have to actually figure out the whole color thing by myself now I can go online and check out the "masters" work.

I admire creativity especially when it can convey a mood, feeling, setting etc..... please check out http://www.colourlovers.com/

Take a bow

I will be the first to admit I may have a teeny tiny book addiction. I like a good story and I love ♥ a great story. But not all great stories are in books being a generation X baby meant music videos. Music videos that told a story from the opening scene to the final note being sung.

40 seconds into the video we see the bullfighter and Madonna dressing, they both wear corset like clothing that accentuates their figures increasing their sexuality and visual appeal. As they finish dressing we see that they are each dressing for their prescribed parts in society but if you look at the cut, the material of the clothing you can also see the subtle subtext that they are each dressing for each other.

Even in a public setting where they must each play their roles they can use those roles to heighten the longing and sexual desire they feel for each other. The clothes are a prop of course like any sexual toy but in the video if all you see is a bull fighter and a lover you have missed the foreplay. Although the foreplay does come a bit later in the video (this is Madonna after all.)

I look around as I make my way through the day and I still see the world in those video snippets from yesteryear. The passive aggressive body language during office meetings. The sly glances on the metro. The crossing and un-crossing of legs when an attractive prospect boards the train. All of these are stories that I capture in my brain, only unlike a book I create the context and dynamics.

I have come to realize that even when I am not reading I still have my stories. Only now I have moved on to the next chapter, no longer a passive vessel but an active participant looking to share and entertain.