What mask are you wearing?

Today is Halloween when kids and adults dress up and let loose. Yet I can't help but think that today is the one day of the year when people honestly state they are wearing a mask of their choosing.

We all wear masks. The mask of the good employee, pretending to be interested in status updates, excel spread sheets and power point slides. But the truth is that it is a mask.

We wear a mask in school we sit obediently and memorize and respond with the right answer for a grade.

And then Halloween comes around and we don't have to pretend, we can be what our heart desires, we can be a witch because it has been that type of year. We can be a vampire to reflect the soul suckers in our lives. We can be the nurse because we are caregivers.

But on Halloween we can just be and no one expects any differently from us.

Back up your writing

If you are a writer you know how important it is to keep your files safe. I am highlighting SugarSync today because they are free and if you want premium service you they are having a sale

https://www.sugarsync.com/referral?rf=bjb3pkra02op7&utm_source=website&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=referral&shareEvent=2921730

Creating my own world

When people ask me why I want to write, for me it is the ability to create my own world to create my own stories, to create my own characters. Granted once I start writing the characters have a funny way of behaving and going rogue.

But I have to tell you a secret as writer when one of your characters goes rogue and behaves in an unexpected way that is when whether you admit it or not you fall in love with these make believe people. In those rogue moments they are REAL, you no longer have control and you are telling their story and my oh my their stories can be amazing.

So create your stories but look forward to that moment when they get rebellious and they act out of character trust me those are the ones  you never forget.

Defiance

I hate hearing the word "no" especially in response to a request. I hate the feeling that I should be thankful when crumbs of kindness are thrown my way. I hate the feeling that my time, my thoughts, my view must be moderated by someone who doesn't know or doesn't care how I feel.

So I write, I write in defiance of people who tell me that meaningful work is done between 9-5pm.  I write in defiance of people who claim I must be on a certain schedule. I defy people who tell me to stay within the lines, to only use crayons and use my indoor voice.

I have a brain and I will use it, my brain belongs to me. Nothing you say will make me change my views, opinions or thoughts. You can use threats, force, blackmail but trust me in the end I will defy you and I will laugh. I was born to be free and no cage for my own security will keep me trapped for to long. No amount of fear-mongering will keep me from spreading my wings and climbing higher. No amount of negative comments or hateful words will keep me from my goal.

For to many years I listened to everyone else, because I am a good girl well now I am ME. So I will defy everyone who says: "I am not" because I am.

I want my last thoughts on my deathbed to be yeah I did it, not I wish I had tried.

Perpetual twilight

I woke up today with a half dark sky. And as the day wore on the day barely brightened. The birds were gone and it was quiet outside. Nature knows the storm is coming so it is preparing itself for what is to come knowing that it will weather is all part of a cycle.

The notice came as a text no work tomorrow and the twilight lingered. I think twilight will linger through the storm and then sun will break through as it always does after a storm.

Torn to pieces

If books were an unhealthy addiction, I would never be clean and truth is I would give into my addiction gladly. Thankfully books are an addiction with only mind blowing side effects such as: making you laugh, cry, wonder in amazement feel fear, feel joy etc.

Lately I have not been reading because I don't want my writing to be influenced by another author. Apparently one of the Lisbeth's didn't get the memo we are creative in an empty room with bare walls and only a chair and it would still be a party. And let me tell you it would be an epic party.

Because I had been denying myself of my drug and self control is a muscles that taxes itself with to much exertion (just read the study so now I have proof) I caved, cracked, succumbed to read.

Oh it felt good every single page turn was a new rush of wonderful stimulating endorphins that can only be compared to a good time, good food or good sex.

When I was done with the book I realized something interesting the book had given me a completely DIFFERENT idea of the premise and outcome of the book. So my brain must be working harder smarter.

And I the brain scurried here and there I realized it wasn't just the book it was the accumulation of many books and the idea my brain is currently consumed by would have never happened without the previous hundreds of authors plus the book I just finished.

Moral of the story: when you write you need to read a lot.

So I do think it is possible to read for pleasure and continue to write.

Excuse me I need to take another hit the second book is calling me....

Is being creative an accident? Or are we born creative?

Now sometimes I lay on the couch and I wonder how my brain can have so many great interesting ideas. And then I remember it started with this:

I mean seriously a cross-dressing rabbit? And let me tell you folks I thought that episode was EPIC I mean I wanted to watch that one episode over and over again (my mom was concerned but she thought ehhhh just a cartoon how bad can it be)

But then I turned 6 and I realized I was in need of more mature entertainment and I found this:

Her aunt pimps her out!!! And they do it to song and dance!!! I mean till this day if you throw on a song and start dancing I can be entertained by all kinds of craziness (explains my unwholesome Bollywood obsession)

Then I turned 10 I mean I was a grown up ready to TACKLE PROBLEMS and Hollywood show me the truth of my future.

Seriously I didn't stand a chance, my brain was forever conditioned to negotiate every interaction like a potential plot point in a movie.....Don't get me started on what I tried to do when I read Madeline L'Engles A Wrinkle in Time (I will save that for another day)

How about you? Were you born or did you become creative?

It is ok to be happy but it is better to make miserable people happy

If you watch the news, read the paper or go online you can find an infinite number of ways to be unhappy.

So how does being happy start? A sprinkle of self-esteem, a cup of love, a pound of nurturing , 3/4 of tolerance, 4 cups sense of humor,5 cups of patience, 6 cups of compassion. And then you don't stop stirring. People will tell you your dish is to rich or to bland.

But don't forget what makes you unique is the fact that your happiness can not be found by chasing the dream of others.

Being happy is finding those quite moments and LISTENING to the silence, listening to the space between your breath and reflecting on those things which you are grateful. And when you are ready to communicate you communicate from a place of love and understanding even when you don't understand the world around you.

Want to make yourself really happy? Gather a piece of paper, your tablet, laptop, pens, pencils crayons etc. I will wait until you get back.

Right now in your life is a person so repugnant you cant think about them without bile rising in your throat. Now I want you to write that persons story, before you start to whine you don't know their background that makes this project even more fun. Imagine what turned them into a repugnant, obnoxious, bitter, miserable person.

But we aren't done, next step write the second part of the story where you and this person meets and write it from their perspective. We aren't done yet now I want you to end the book. If you believe in the world of karma or paying it forward I challenge you to write a happy ending to end all endings. By the time your story is finished this person should be completed healed.

Now I know you are wondering why would I write a story about someone who is repugnant? People aren't born bitter, angry etc. life changes them and it is up to us to stand fast and not let their negative energy infect us. By writing their own happy ending you can see the alternatives and you may also discover that the world has very few heroes and villains but is full of just normal people doing the best they can with what they have at any given moment.
 

You are all grown up, so what do you want to be when you grow up?

Time to wake up and smell life. Life will happen to you whether you are prepared or not. Time will come and go, what you do with your time will depend only on YOU.

How many ideas, thoughts, and wishes do you have on the back burner?

How long will you let them simmer? Taking the first step is scarey but not taking the first step will lead to a lifetime of regret.

So what do you want to be when you grow up? You say you are 40 now, well guess what all things being even you still have another 20-30+ years of life left. How do you want to spend them?

The right tools to write

Ask three authors what tools, techniques they use to bring out their inner muse and you will get 3 different answers.

I have read multi-page blog posts waxing poetics on: outlines, index cards, cork boards, legal pads, napkins, post it etc.

I purposely did not mention software and hardware, I have heard of an author who wrote his entire book using his cellphone, others will swear by certain software programs i.e. Scrivener, Dragon Dictation,  MS Word etc.

Then hardware, some authors feel more professional sitting at a desktop with an organized desk of notes and research by their side. Some authors swear by a laptop which they carry wherever the wind blows them.

And let us not forget Apps, I would start to mention some but then I would have to write up another blog post on apps.

And the apps do not include all the cloud synching capabilities available today: Dropbox, Box, SugarSync, iCloud, SkyDrive, GDrive etc.

How do I like to write? I prefer my laptop, synced to multiple cloud services (I use all of the above plus some) I need a comfortable chair and at some point I am going to need some coffee.

Two hours of writing and then 45 minutes of re-reading certain sections feels comfortable.  On a good day in two hours I can bang out 10-12 pages, on a not good day 3-5.

So what are the right tools for writing? is it your iPad, a laptop, desktop, smart phone? I am curious to see more reviews for Microsoft's Surface tablet, but until then I will stick with my current routine.

A perfect moment

I am not a teacher, but I do work with schools. I was just outside in the playground with the 3-4 year old's and I experienced a moment of perfection. Little bodies playing, laughing and learning. Pointing out all the amazing trees like the red, yellow and green leaves. They played with dirt and made little house and forts. They pretended to be birds and monkeys and swing on the playground.

I looked around I jumped right in, yes I too played.

And it was amazing, all of a sudden I realized that the trees were magical they were multicolored and I could search for the treasure in each leaf.

That wasn't just dirt but a magical substance that could create a fortress. And the best part about playing was the lack of judgement the freedom to just be. The ability to live each second as they arise with no thoughts of past present or future.

Although the playtime was brief it was like my parched soul was watered, no judgements, no critics. While I was on the playground I could just be. And I cant think of a greater gift than to just be.

I hope you go outside and play as well :)

Concentration and Focus

Have a full-time and you are also working on your novel?

Then welcome to this:

People will say you are selfish, because you want to stay in and work on your novel. People will ask what is the point as you don't have a good chance of being published.

People will ask who do you think you are to believe in yourself and call yourself creative.

People will point out all the people who came before you and are still not published.

People will assume your novel is not good enough. People will assume you aren't smart, or creative enough.

People will call your writing a silly hobby. People will assume this is just a passing phase. People will tell you ad nauseum not to quit your day job even while you never mentioned quitting your day job.

People will assume that they are so interesting that you will want to somehow add a caricature of their likeness to your novel.

And that is what they will say to your face, behind your back the comments and gossip will be a lot nastier.

It is up to all of us who have a gift for story telling to hold fast to the belief to concentrate and focus on what feels right. Writing just feels right for me.

So for all the nay-sayers all the do gooders and all the non believers. I will be here tapping away on my keyboard. Because I believe in me. 

Writing the wrong way aka Do not try this at home

I have purchased every molskine, notebooks, writing pads, writing apps, writing software, outlines etc.

I have yet to find anything that feels right for writing. So everyday I write and re-write scenes in my head, scratching out words, deleting sentences, adding information. I sit down with the trusty laptop and I type out the scenes that have played in my head for days and sometimes weeks. In no way am I advocating or even suggesting this as a viable method for writers or writing.

I would gladly love to have some other system that works for me and as I continue on this journey I hope to find some system that does work and feels natural to my style.

Call Me Ishmael, No call me Rumpelstiltskin, actually just call me Lisbeth

I was watching Once Upon a Time last night and I kept thinking about Rumpelstiltskin today, because someone said something not nice to me.

I thought I didn't care because the person who said it not someone I admire or look to for guidance.

Then I guess my subconscious or my back-brain as I like to call must have dwelled  on it because I thought of quite a few put downs for this person and I wanted to tell this person about them self.

And for a moment I felt powerful like Rumpelstiltskin I knew that power meant having the upper hand. And during that glorious brief moment a mental image of myself flashed in my first brain and I saw:

















And I was not pleased with that pic. Rumpelstiltskin's major weakness was once his greatest strength. When
Rumpelstiltskin refused to fight in the ogre war he understood that it was futile endeavour and his son meant more to him than death or the glory of a fallen soldier. While people in his village ridiculed
Rumpelstiltskin his love for his son was his strength it allowed him to hold fast to his belief and what he believed was right. 

People will call us cowards, not good enough etc, like Rumpelstiltskin we can choose to be true to our love which should always start with our self.

I am choosing to be Lisbeth, and remember that life will set my priorities or I will set them, but regardless what I follow will determine my outlook. I choose to be Lisbeth, so don't call me Ishmael, because both the whale and I have our respective karma's. 

David Mitchell's Cloud Atlas

Possible SPOILER ALERT DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT FINISHED or JUST STARTED READING
So I was thinking of Cloud Atlas

DO NOT continue reading if you are just beginning

Specifically the first chapter the introduction of Adam Ewing, Adam Ewing is innocent, idealistic, naive, easily deceived, and completely without a clue as to his purpose in life, and his understanding of events as they unfold.

And I couldn't help but think what a wonderful metaphor because Adam Ewing represents us the reader as we embark upon our adventure of David Mitchell's epic journey on Cloud Atlas. Unlike the reader Adam is presented with an opportunity to have learned from his journey as a result of so many "big moments."

I was most impressed with Adam when at the end he realized that yes great moments are presented to us. Those moments dont make great or cowards, when we rise up and realize that these moments are opportunities and that how we respond is what makes us courageous or cowards but even time changes the very meaning of courage and cowardice. Yesterday's rebel, terrorist, enemy of the state, is tomorrow's freedom fighter and vice versa.

Go back in time and ask the British aristocracy if our Founding Fathers were heroes at the time? And even some in the colonies were content to remain under British rule after all it was a known familiar method of rule the new born Democracy was quite frankly SHOCKING fast forward 200 years later....

Our PR campaign to paint ourselves as sinner or saints is for nothing because history will determine where we will be placed in the grand continuum for the benefit of society....

big fish in a small pond or a small fish in a big pond

Is it better to be a small fish in a big pond or a big fish in a small pond?

Or is it better to realize that this life isn't a pond and we are not fish.

But like fish, we can be lured, trapped, swim free, join a school, take off and travel through the water to find new adventures.

When life give us an either/or choice it is time to look for the 3rd way. The 3rd way is our unique individual way. The way that leads to happiness and the way so that we cant be compared to fish, or others.

Keep swimming with or against the tide :)

Fear, anticipation, joy and journies

Sometimes I think writing about myself is revealing who I am to strangers, and then I realize, whether I write about myself or another topic a part of me is there for the world.

I just watched Home by Michael Buble and I kept thinking the song "speaks" to me because I understand the need to branch out the need for excitement the need to try new things but finding out that no one else shares those needs.

I want to go home but unlike Michael in her video, I know the adventure continues for me.

Crisp fall days

Being able to wake up and peacefully drink a cup of coffee. Talk about bliss.

The Cereal Novel for the serial digial age

Charles Dickens wrote the Pickwick Papers as a serial novel, and in a case of history repeating itself authors are now looking back as they move forward in the digital age.

One of the major advantages of a serial novel is that it gives readers the ability to read "mini-chunks" and become intimate with characters over a stretch of time.

I love ♥ the idea of a serial novel and have been kicking one around in my head. The concept I have in mind would be perfect for a serial novel.

Another attractive feature of composing a serial novel is that it gives the author the ability characters, and plots speak for them-self.


And so I present you with the first of the  "Cereal Morning"

The lights brightened slowly, pulling me of my delta wave stage, my body was pleasantly cool. I felt incredibly refreshed. As was the norm my eyes fluttered opened with half remembered snippets of dreams as ephemeral as clouds. Silence. Wonderful silence engulfed me.

I smelled the coffee brewing, everything was as it should be, I felt content. and at ease. I slipped out of the bedroom and walked into the kitchen. As I walked into the kitchen the coffeemaker started to slowly drip hot coffee into the mug, the screens one by one turned on. News streamed on one screen, emails on another populated the next screen based on importance and urgency.  No email stood out, the news was as always the same disasters, followed by a a new breakthrough on how to fight back against nature and her unwillingness to play.

Tina's mouth opened and closed rapidly she was animated and visibly excited, I frowned, I taped my ear and instantly my hearing senses were turned on.

I frowned, hoping she would pick up and learn from the facial expression but still she spoke. I sighed, teaching them was an endless battle but we had to have mercy and patience.

Tina, I spoke slowly and deliberately, I have not had my coffee or had breakfast yet, your behavior is inappropriate. I tapped my ear again, silence except for the few minutes when the body has to adjust and "listens" to the pounding heart. I sighed when would they advance so that the state of silence I wondered to myself.

The opposite of love is fear Madeleine L'Engle's " A Wrinkle in Time"

Reading is an active experience, most people view reading as a passive activity in which a person sits, reads and then finishes a story.

I on the other hand can honestly say that reading is active, the best authors can so fully engage the reader, that we can: see, smell, taste, feel and react to static printed words.

Stories can be more powerful than any magic trick ever conceived all because each person can walk away from a book having gained understanding.

I remember reading Madeleine L'Engle's a "Wrinkle in Time" and before reading the book I always thought hate was the opposite of love. 

But as I read Meg Murry cling not give up faith or hope on seeing her father again I realized that the biggest barrier to love is not but fear. 

Meg Murry overcame her fear not because she wanted to be a heroine, she overcame fear to save her father, brother and family. By letting go of her fear Meg was able to open herself to give and receive love.



What do you fear? 
How has your fear changed you? 

Challenging Time or Time Challenged

When I am not repeating a scene from my story in my brain, I am often thinking of ways on how to effectively manage my time.

My heart wants to write, my brain knows that I have bills, need at least 8 hours to sleep and have to put in 8 hours at the office.

I went on a bit of a bender OK I went balls to the walls and overloaded on every time-management app, software, gadget etc.

I will beat you to it and say, the time I invested in the apps, software, gadgets, and other miscellaneous time management tools was a waste of time in the sense that I didn't discover the Hail Mary of time management.

I did discover a few things that are NECESSARY to be a productive writer, time manager or astronaut

1. 8 hours sleep
2. eating balances meal
3. exercise (whatever you do that works up a sweat)
4. relaxing (yes if you don't relax you cant write, manage your time or go up into space)
5. turn off the distractions which includes the apps, software, gadgets etc that are meant to "manage your time"

How do you balance/manage your full time job and continue to write?

Ravel's Sleeping Beauty

I was blessed, I grew up listening to all types of music, most people think that is limited to classical and anything that is English. But no, Italian, Spanish, Irish, Farsi, Portuguese, French, Russian, and the list goes on and and on.

When my brain overloaded from stories I would turn to music to create my own stories and I remember listening to Ravel's Pavane de la Belle Au Bois Dormant and be transported to a forest. Not a scary forest but one filled with fairies, magic, god-mothers and flowers endless ccolorful flowers. I would play the song over and over again, thinking that if I did at some point I could jump into the song the way I could lose myself in a story. I was to young to understand the by mere virtue of all I had imagined I had already jumped into Ravel's story. 

I am continuously humbled by all the great artist who have shared their gifts and passion with us.

 If you could jump into a song, which song would you choose and why?

Should I stay or should I go The Clash but not of the Titans just of friends and social engagements

I have an inbox full of invitations to countless gatherings, between a family situation and writing I find that I have very limited time after the full time job.

So you are probably wondering why did I pick should I stay or should I go? Do I feel compelled to to go and party instead of write? No.

What I find interesting is that when I decline a social engagement and I tell people I will be writing the response is always the same: "Oh you are writing, but you can do that later."

Were I less polite, I would respond "I know I can write later, but I choose to write now."

So for everyone who thinks this is a passing fancy, that I am using my writing as an excuse I give you this song take it as you wish :).

I hate you then I love you Celine Dion Luciano Pavarotti

When I think of writing and editing this is the song that comes to mind.....

Even with the writing process there is drama, passion, hate, fear, love and every other emotion that can be felt.

One step at a time

Manhanttan, 215th Street Inwood Hill Park

Losing the battle but winning the war insomnia my old friend

I was going to fight my insomnia, I broke out all my weapons and prepared for battle.

• meditation
• eye mask
• ear plugs
• white noise
• chamomile tea
• counting the breath

I lost. I mean like zero sleep lost, like clockwork no sleep = headache following day I lost. Sandman came and threw a PARTAY.  The brain said sleep is for the weak we are at war. *Note to self do not watch 12 hours before attempting to go sleep*

And then my modified stages of grief kicked in

• Denial
• Anger
• Resentment
• Rage
• Acceptance

Acceptance I waved the white flag, I was exhausted I didn't want to fight anymore.

And then an idea slipped, like a blanket that falls perfectly on the body for rest. My heart started to hammer, not just an idea because it unfolded like parchment it was more than an idea it was a story not just a story but the story. The story I have wondered about the story that for years has teased  and taunted.

But....before I leap into that remember in all my post this--> can be linked to that <--

Check the web and you will be given quite a bit of advice if you

1. Have insomnia
2. You are new to writing

Interestingly enough the advice for insomnia--> and advice for writing <-- can read the same
 a. keep a notebook close by record your idea
 b. pay attention to how you feel
 c. capture all your thoughts

If all of those things work for you GREAT!  I lay in bed and half the brain read the story and the other half wrote the story. I would not interrupt the process to "physically write it." Already the story had become engraved in my brain. When I finish this post I will start to write the introduction to the story.  I already know the beginning but something tells me I am in for a wild ride and I look forward to each word in every sentence of every paragraph on the many pages. 

But before I start to write I cant help but wonder does --> Insomnia serve a purpose Creativity<--- ???

leave a comment below

From the classics straight to the hardcore stuff

While most kids were experimenting with drugs, alcohol and sex. I was experimenting with books. Back in the days. We didn't have many authors interested in the "Young Adult" genre which left poor little old me with no recourse but to go from the classics straight to adult books in every genres.

I would be the first to admit that my cherry was popped before it was popped. One series in particular will always stand out for its fantasy, voluptuous sexy time and at the time for me outrageous sexual predilections. I felt worldly and yet a novice reading Anne Rice"The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty."

In my hand I held a fairy tale plus every hormonal urge that has struck humans since Adam figured out Eve was naked.

I consider "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" the pinnacle of sexual fetish fantasy in its full glory and splendor, nothing is held back, the entire story is decadent like the perfect piece of dessert. It is rich in imagery and the scenes were burned into my teenage mind. I have re-read the series to see if it still held the same sexual appeal and the answer is OMG YES.

Only now I am not an innocent ingenue who was shocked at such a story and dialog, I read it now thinking yes this is a real adult book not masquerading behind thin appeals to the younger crowd wanting something "naughty" to read but a book for adults who want to push mental boundaries in the literary form.

If you are interested in reading Anne Rices' Trilogy you can download or buy amazon.com
The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty

Flowers for Algernon

We all have a book(s) that change our lives forever. I remember reading Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes when I was in the 4th grade. I remember Flowers for Algernon because that was the first time a book devasted my heart and turned my world upside down. Within my hands I held not a book or a story but a powerful force that took me on an emotional rollercoaster one sentence, paragraph, page by page.

I remember that was the first time I finished reading a book and weeping. I felt such a sense of loss. My eyes were opened to the true cruelty of the world and I was just a kid and I could do nothing for Charlie. You see in my mind Charlie wasn't a character but a real person and my inability to help him was my first real taste of what it meant to love and lose. I lost my innocence and I learned that life is cruel and that each step of the way we will encounter difficulties some of them even insurmountable.

After I stopped crying I realized that Charlie had maintained his beauty and I wanted to desperately capture and bottle that not for myself but for the world. I wanted the world to see, that flowers can grow next garbage. That smog can't completely obscure the clouds and and that if we stopped wishing for better weather we can catch the rainbow when the showers are done.

I have my battered copy of Flowers for Algernon still with me, and unlike my top 10 books that I read. I have not revisited Charlie, not because I feel it would cause me pain. But the 4th grader in me remembers my first earth shattering experience with a book that changed me and that will always have a special place in my heart.

http://www.amazon.com/Flowers-for-Algernon-ebook/dp/B003WJQ74E/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1349924841&sr=1-1&keywords=flowers+for+algernon

Just a little bit of history repeating itself

Depending on who you ask there are #___ of plots when it comes to stories and according to the Internet Public Library http://www.ipl.org/div/farq/plotFARQ.htmlyou can truly pick.

When I read a ho-hum book. I often think of the Properllheads featuring Miss Shirley singing Just a little bit of history repeating itself before you run off and label me a cynic. It is those stories that repeat with a twist that keeps me reading.

Looking for the twist is what compels me to write because I can sense that someone may have written about goblins, zombies, mountains but maybe goblins have digestive issues which only allow them to consume dust bunnies. My zombies aren't cannibals they are misunderstood they just want to have some brain power again you get the picture.

The best part of writing is the pure creation process the ability to weave a thread into a blanket that covers the imagination with new thoughts and ideas.

What is your favorite book that reminds you of another book you read?

Pumped Up Kicks because bad always starts somewhere

When I read a good story my heart is cheering like the bottom of the 9th with a tied game bases loaded. The opposing team is the enemy/bad guy, and yet if I didn't have that opposing team, that villain that bad ass bad guy/chick I would put the book we all would.

We need that evil monster whether it is us vs them, a vampire, Magneto, Venom, Lex Luthor, we don't want bad. We all want BAD because bad makes the story, bad is what makes us flip the page, bad is lead up to the orgasmic release called "the end."

Bad is what keeps us coming back for more, yes our hero and heroines are virtuous and wonderful but damn they are boring without BAD.

Bad also serves a purpose, it reminds me that somewhere in the story (we are all a story) communication has broken down. Bad is leads to miss-communication and that is when all hell breaks loose. Bad reminds me that each of us is a story and if we don't pause, ask reflect we may never know how we got to bad. Knowing how we got to "bad" is why "prequels" are hot right now.

Knowing the back story to bad doesn't make it less bad but it does allow us to begin their story, our story and your story.

Ramblin Man Back and Forth

Just in case you haven't noticed the trend yet I can connect --> this with <--that.

I have been traveling quite a bit lately and I feel like this -->

The beauty of being a nerd is that I want to feel like this -->



So I know what you are thinking am I trying to make a connection between country and R&B to late that has been done quite a few times. I wont bore you with that instead I will point you to --> Me.

I think that in the excitement of the journey I forgot that the journey is the path, where does the path lead? Where will I end up? Will things work out? What am I in control of? Am I doing the right thing? Why am I bothering?

We all have a story to tell, we are also a part of other people story. In our own story we play the lead. In other stories we can play, hero/ine villain, antagonist, provocateur etc.

I keep waiting for that moment in one of these many trips where like a hero in adventure I have the "light bulb aha moment" it hasn't happened.   I then wonder what if that moment happens, what then how will I feel?

What can it be? How can it be changed? I will do it My Way just like Frank Sinatra

I guess I should have started writing when I was 5. Instead I told myself I had to many questions about life. I am always looking at thing or experiencing things and thinking "What if___" for example I had to log on to a website it asked for my username and password.

1. My computer knows my name but it doesnt talk to the "internet" yet"
2. Password I have to type in a password....Secure not so much.....Hell you want to make a password use my fingerprint
3. Some of you will understand and for those of you who do "THANK YOU IN ADVANCE" for those who dont get it just skip 3 number. Why do I have type ".com" or the symbole "@" Whenever I type .com in or @ I always wonder if the computer is going to ask you do you want your coffee in a cup? a dedicated ".com" button that can be toggled to become .org, edu etc....

For those of you who think # 3 is useless, pointless or stupid the line to conformity starts here -->

Which brings me to design....in our technological rush of making things faster, smaller, slimmer we have forgotten to make them user friendly and rational. Imagine if your remote control did not have an on off switch but could do everything else under the sun.

When I create I can create all the "what ifs" I wonder about all day long. And I can always have it my way

Amelia Gold Part 3

"So Blaine is back from Germany" Amelia's mom chirped over the phone it was 6pm and Amelia was still at work. Her new boss was counting on her and she couldn't let her down. Blaine had been in Germany? He had said he would call it had been 5 weeks and she had not heard from him. Ameila had been disappointed and had blamed herself for Blaine's lack of interest.

Amelia was confused why had Blaine gone back to Germany and not told her? Why had he not called? Would he call now that he was back? Should she call him? As if reading her mind mother suggested, "why don't you give him a call after all he did mention he had a lovely time with you at dinner." Amelia was confused he had spoken to her mother but had not called her.

Amelia was about to respond when her supervisor Tina walked in disregarding that it was after 5 and Amelia was on the phone, Tina demanded in a high pitched voice "Amelia did you finish my report?"

"Did she just walk into your office and demand a report from you Amelia how dare she?" Mrs. Gold screeched on the phone. "I'll call you back mom" Amelia quickly hung up the phone. Tina tapped her fingernail impatiently on Amelia's desk. I sent the report to you over an hour ago Tina Amelia rushed she was flustered by her supervisor. Well since I didn't receive it send it again Tina vicious smile swallowed what she really wanted to say Amelia. Of course Tina right away, Amelia fumbled with the keyboard and tapped out a second email. Tina watched Amelia like a vulture watching its prey die slowly and asked "If you already sent it why didn't you just forward the original email from your sent box?"Amelia started to stutter and stammer her face went red, her heart was hammering. Amelia opened and closed her mouth but Tina had already walked out of the office.

As if sensing the moment of weakness the phone rang and Amelia picked it up. "Who does that poor dirty woman think she is barging into your office making demands? Mrs. Gold screeched, Amelia knew her mother was right but she was worried that someone might here what her mother said on the phone so she had no choice but to say "Tina is under a lot of stress with this new promotion and honestly it is a compliment she relies on me so much.  "Of course she relies on you she went to a community college, Amelia agreed with her mother but this was not the time or place for the conversation. Mom I have another call coming through will call you back and she hung up.

It was pouring and with no umbrella Amelia was soaked by the time she reached her car. Her phone rang again she considered not even checking it because she was tired of her mother, when she saw Blaine's number.

Hey Amelia Bedlia, mind if I come over now? Amelia was in shock. Blaine liked her, her heart soared

Miles and Miles

Miles and miles

Yes I often feel like it is miles and miles to go especially on the weekends. I feel the pull of not having reached my destination even when I arrive. That sense of being unsettled no matter where I am, or where I am going. It feels like I never arrived, like I never left, like and in those moments when tiredness overcomes me and my mind goes utterly blank only to reconnect when someone starts to talk only to be startled because I cant remember if I am here or there and if I am here why are they here and if I am there why are they there? Confusing it gets worse when you have that moment of where am I but to tired to care and frame it all mentally. 

Amelia Gold Part 2

"Amelia Bedila" Her mother sing-songed over the phone don't forget to wear the Michael Kors black dress your calves are still chu-full and we want Blaine, they had grown up together. Blaine had studied at University of Chicago Under grad and Grad before he had landed a consulting gig out in Germany. Amelia had always had a secret crush on Blaine and had been surprised to hear that her mother had arranged the date with him.

Amelia started to sweat it was 8:15 and Blaine had not shown up, they had arranged to meet at the trendy Sushi place he had suggested. The bartender walked back to Amelia would you like another sake miss? He asked with the bored indifference that was reserved for the plain janes and the single non-high rollers. No I am waiting for my date Amelia blurted out, the bartender gave her a polite smile as he didn't want to completely blow his tip. 15 minutes later Ameila paid the tab and headed for the bathroom pretending that she had changed her mind about dinner.

Just as she was walking out head down she was to embarrassed to see if the bartender was looking in her direction. "Amelia Bedilia" Amelia's face went red hot the male voice was obviously Blaine Amelia looked up and plastered a smile on her face. 

"Hi Blaine" Amelia stared like an idiot he was even better looking than she remembered, Blaine gave Amelia a once over, with an insincere smile he said sorry I am late, got held up in the office. "Oh I understand, work can be brutal." Amelia looked up at her crush picturing wedding bells and happily ever after. Blaine raised an eyebrow funny I thought you were working with homeless people I mean if they are homeless not much can be done about that he said carelessly." Amelia nodded "that is true but it can be emotionally draining work." Blaine frowned but they are homeless you don't them so how can it be stressful?" Stressful is having to move $350 million Euro at the right second or lose it all Blaine patted Amelia's head.

Blaine headed towards the same empty bar stools where Amelia had sat waiting for him. The bartender reappeared looked at Amelia and Blaine. Sensing a fat wallet the bartender politely asked Blaine what he would have.  Blaine ordered an expensive bottle of sake without asking Amelia her preference. So tell me Bedilia, who is Lily dating now? Amelia wish she had left earlier.

Lily is married, she just had a baby, she married Roger Cooper. The look of disappointment on Blaine's face could not have been more apparent. Well I guess we should toast Roger for being one lucky bastard Blaine laughed. Amelia smiled inside she wanted to run out of the restaurant and go home.

Here have a shot of sake, Amelia shook her head, Blaine's face darkened in disgust and boredom you are still the same uptight bore he sneered. Amelia picked up the glass and drank the sake in one shot. Attagirl Blaine egged her on, shot after shot.

Amelia opened her eyes she was lying face down on the floor in her apartment, she could smell vomit and nearby was a used condom. Blaine walked out of the bathroom drying his hair with her towel and threw it on the vomit, he quickly dressed. Amelia was struggling to sit up but the floor was spinning.

Well it was real fun Amelia Bedelia but like I said last night oral is better without a condom, that is why you choked and puked. I'll call you and with that the door banged and Amelia was still on the floor wondering she hadn't woken up sooner so she could have cleaned herself up she could have made him breakfast so he would have stuck around longer.

I can make up a good story

Now tell me to decorate or put two colors together and I hide under a blanket until you get the general idea of it "ain't" gonna happen. http://www.colourlovers.com/

I found this website in one my lazy days and I have to say I admire the creativity. Plus I love the fact that I don't have to actually figure out the whole color thing by myself now I can go online and check out the "masters" work.

I admire creativity especially when it can convey a mood, feeling, setting etc..... please check out http://www.colourlovers.com/

Take a bow

I will be the first to admit I may have a teeny tiny book addiction. I like a good story and I love ♥ a great story. But not all great stories are in books being a generation X baby meant music videos. Music videos that told a story from the opening scene to the final note being sung.

40 seconds into the video we see the bullfighter and Madonna dressing, they both wear corset like clothing that accentuates their figures increasing their sexuality and visual appeal. As they finish dressing we see that they are each dressing for their prescribed parts in society but if you look at the cut, the material of the clothing you can also see the subtle subtext that they are each dressing for each other.

Even in a public setting where they must each play their roles they can use those roles to heighten the longing and sexual desire they feel for each other. The clothes are a prop of course like any sexual toy but in the video if all you see is a bull fighter and a lover you have missed the foreplay. Although the foreplay does come a bit later in the video (this is Madonna after all.)

I look around as I make my way through the day and I still see the world in those video snippets from yesteryear. The passive aggressive body language during office meetings. The sly glances on the metro. The crossing and un-crossing of legs when an attractive prospect boards the train. All of these are stories that I capture in my brain, only unlike a book I create the context and dynamics.

I have come to realize that even when I am not reading I still have my stories. Only now I have moved on to the next chapter, no longer a passive vessel but an active participant looking to share and entertain.

The life and times of Amelia Gold

Part 1

I am Amelia Gold, I have a younger sister and a brother, both went to Harvard. My brother went to Harvard Law my sister Harvard Medical School. I went to a private university for Finance like my dad. Maybe it wasn't Harvard, and maybe I am not tall and gorgeous like my sister and brother. Maybe I am short but my brother and sister always stole the show so it was better if I blended into the background. 

Now here I am 28, my sister who got married two years ago as prescribed by society standards now has provided the family with the next generation. The look of disappointment in my parents eyes, I try not to think to much about that or else the anxiety comes back. I don't get it I have a great job, I have been promoted twice and I am about to be promoted again my incompetent boss gives me all her work and yet they look at me and all they see is someone who works for a nonprofit organization. Yes I work with the poor. 

You see I decided that after being looked down my whole life I could empower myself, and that there were people out there that had worse problems and as long as they didn't know me I could be powerful. So here I am, I help people manage their lives. and xanax helps manage mine. Am I a fraud of course not I am an American, I have had a great life and now I am helping the poor.

But I have a confession, it is hard to like the poor, they have so many problems and they are not very smart and sometimes when they talk I don't hear them, I suppose I should feel guilty but instead I think to myself, I have given them a gift I allowed them to speak and feel heard. 

Tomorrow I have a tough case I have a family of 4 the husband lost his job and now the wife is pregnant. Why would she get pregnant again when she has 4 kids? I used to ask questions like that when I first started then I realized that if it wasnt for the poor and bad decisions I wouldn't have a job and I how would I feel better.

And I need to feel better ASAP because tomorrow I also have a date, not just any date but a date with a good looking guy my family approves us. 

I will have to pop another Xanax in order to sleep tonight, this date is super important I have to show my mom and dad that just because I failed at Finance, that I can have a great life like Adam and Lilly. 

I hope I sleep and I have no idea what to wear, I have been working out but my legs still look like drumsticks. My mom said I look pasty and puffy like the pillsbury doughboy last time I visited. Thank God for the tea diet that helped me cleanse I should be able to fit into the dress I picked out for our date tomorrow night.

Yummy and addicted

So every now and again I run into a new addiction. I need to keep things fresh no need to hold on to old addictions. Today I bring you children's version of Chobani yoghurt is so good that I have eaten this many and I want more. Like I want a dozen more, I know I should eat food but I want more yoghurt. Who else is addicted to Chobani?

A walk in the clouds

Yesterday I confessed some of my odd tv viewing choices. Confession time is not over. If it looks interesting, compelling, I will watch (commercials) included. Which brings us to today's episode what does this<-- have to do with--> that.

I have issues, ok my issues have issues such as no garbage in the house at night issues. So off I go to dump the garbage when I realize I am walking in pea soup fog

And I remembered that fog are just clouds that are close to the ground and I thought about A Walk in the Cloud, the movie and the show. What show you ask?

As I walked I could taste the water droplets in the air and I thought I can walk in clouds. We all walk in clouds when we read, we watch a beautiful show, when we create, when we explore. Next time someone tells you to get your head out of the cloud remember that we should all spend time in the clouds it is where we find love and peace.

I don't know how to slow it down

Back when I was to little to understand anything, much like now I watched then President Jimmy Carter address the nation on the hand over of the Panama Canal. All I knew was that OUR President was talking so it had to be important and it was my duty to listen. My mom walked into the living room and figured that I could not reach the dial and changed the channel to Sesame Street. All HELL broke loose.

"How dare you! Our President is speaking about a canal in Panama" I screamed. My mother with her infinite patience turned the channel back. Mom what is a canal, why is the President giving it back? If it is in Panama how can it be ours? What will I look like in 1999? My mom was super patient a saint even we made it through that dinner relatively unscathed by world events.

But the like most children I grew up to my mother's dismay I continued watching the news. Imagine my mothers reaction when at the ripe age of 8 years old at 3:30 am I wake her up to inform her I have solved New York States landfill crisis for the next 30 minutes I described in awful details tiny robots that cant be seen that could eat garbage. My mom sat and listened to me she stroked my hair and she listened fascinated. I remember that she told me that perhaps I should not watch distressing news before bed.

Yup nanotechnology 8 years old, floppy discs and dot matrix was cutting edge....

And yet my mind was always dreaming elsewhere, I would read a story and just as quickly I tore through it I had 100 alternate endings with an infinite number of questions as to why.

I could detail countless more Panama Canal and nanotechnology moments between my mom and I, but the point is simply mom's and dads if you have a spacy dreamy kid who wakes you up at 3:30 am to discuss their cure for ___________

Put a paint brush, pencil, pen, paper, computer, paper etc in their hand because some day they will make magic.